Right, so, allow me to start this little blurb of mine by saying that I am beyond thankful for my life. No, I take that back, I am thankful for all life. Not just mine, not just my family’s or my friend’s. ALL life.
That may seem a strange statement but I mean it.
Now, last year, I was touched by an angel and my life was changed for the better ever since. And I have to say; I don’t think I will ever be able to look at life the same way again, which is fantastic.
However, I am highly aware of the fact that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go. And I am just fine with that fact. I am fine knowing that it won’t always be easy or painless. I am even fine knowing I may sometimes forget a lesson or two and will therefore, be in need of a reminder or two.
And, this past week has been one of those “learning” or rather, “re-learning” times for me.
It all started Monday morning, when, just as I was moving through the finishing sequence of my Ashtanga practice, I was overcome by my old foe… “vertigo”. {Small side note for anyone who does not know what vertigo is… number one, lucky you; and number two, no it is not like the “movie” vertigo. It is a horrible affliction that has everything to do with your ears, which if you were not aware, influence your balance. So, when you get vertigo, the whole world, or room, starts spinning around you wildly. It is highly disorienting and highly horrifying.} This took me by surprise because not only had I been vertigo free for almost a year, but the last three times this little affliction reared its ugly head into my life, I was able to make it go away by doing yoga. But his time, my asana practice had brought it about, and it came at me harder than it had in a few years. So, my first reaction was panic. Then, I was just plain angry. But I was angry at myself. How that made any sense, I simply don’t know. But in my mind, the fact that I had gotten vertigo was somehow my fault. And I felt angry and embarrassed by it.
So, I was out of commission for two days. Having to work form home and having to cancel my yoga classes on Tuesday (a really tough decision because I love my students)
And to make matters worse, I was fighting off a cold. So, I went straight into depression mode. Ok, ok, I know; I sound like a little baby, but you have to understand. For me, being healthy is so paramount.
See, ever since I can remember I have had to deal with one thing or another. When I wasn’t being moved out of the city because my lungs were not working properly, I was getting injected for one thing or another or being assailed by salmonella, or, I was having palpitations that turned out to be what doctors call an “atrial flutter” and needing heart surgery before I was even out of high school. Add to that all the stress related immune deficiency I had gone through while working in hell, and well, I have sort of become obsessed with staying healthy and strong for as long as possible… which if I had my way, would probably be life. (Silly I know, but what can I say)
Anyhow, the point was that I was so upset over the vertigo (which in my defense, is something I wouldn’t even wish upon the worst person alive) that when I noticed the first signs of the cold I lost it. I started to blame myself for being sick. Thinking, maybe I haven’t been eating as well as I thought I had or maybe I have been doing more than I should, or less than I should. I was mad at myself. And so, as I began to throw myself a pity party whilst working from home, and then I caught a glimpse of an actress on a magazine from a December issue that I hadn’t quite finished and I lost it.
No, thankfully, my old eating disorder self didn’t kick into high gear, but my “covet thy neighbor’s life” self kicked in and boy was this “self” vicious… or more accurately, ravenous.
This “me” was starving for everything this actress had (or all that she assumed she had). Her career, her hair, her body, her luck, her car, her stupid answers on the stupid magazine interview and then it hit me. I was back in that brain of mine again. Back in that same nightmare room where I had declared my self to be enough. That room where I had said I had had enough. And I felt embarrassed.
Here I was, telling myself that I wasn’t good enough once again. Like a dog going back to its vomit, I was going back to mine. And for what reason?
Because I was sick? Because I felt weak? Because I was looking at someone who society deemed to be better than me for no other reason than the fact that she is famous and I am not?
No way!
How had I arrived here again? How had I forgotten how wonderful my life was just because for a few days, I was not a hundred percent healthy?
Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am lucky… no, I am beyond lucky to be alive and to have a stupid cold and some vertigo be the very worst things that can assail me. How could I forget that this life, the life I have been give is more than enough. How could I have lost sight of the fact that my life isn’t just about me. That I am here for a reason. That I can make a difference in other people’s lives. If even in the smallest way; but I can make a difference. I don’t need more stuff. I don’t want more stuff.
I don’t need more health, more beauty, more smarts, more cash, more bling, more, whatever the hell else this world has been shoving down my throat for years.
I don’t need the newest brand this or that or the most expensive whatever.
Heck, I don’t need anything more than I already have in my life. And no, I am not talking about the things I have been blessed with; I am talking about the love that has surrounded me from the second I was created.
I have been blessed with life and love, and I am not going to waste it by coveting what “they” want me to covet. I am not going to sit here and listen to the people who “determine” what is desirable or necessary in our lives. I am not going to look for happiness in a golden purse, for the price of which a whole freaking nation could have been fed had the world not lost its mind and decided that status is worth more than life.
And no, I am not going to throw myself a pity party because I lost control thorough the vertigo, or because I was brought down by a microscopic annoyance. Who cares?! Yes I got sick. So freacking what?! Why did I ever think that was even consequential? I mean really… What the heck was I thinking?
And just as I was starting to come to my senses, I realized very few people truly love life. Very few people can say that they have lived life to the fullest. And even less people can say that they have helped others live their lives free and happy.
What if we all forgot this nonsense? What if we all let go of this “keeping up with the Joneses” crap? Seriously. What if we all sold our overly expensive houses and cars and helped those who don’t have a roof over their heads? What if we stopped throwing 34 million tons of food away and tried to give some of that food to the nations that do not have enough? What if we all stopped hating each other simply out of jealousy? What if we all listened to one another instead of yell at the top of our lungs because we think our voices are the only ones that matter? What if we stopped claiming that “our” people are better than “your” people? What if we stopped attacking each other for no freaking good reason? What if we stopped poisoning our food and selling it at a higher price just to make a profit? What if we stopped being cruel to animals just because we are “more evolved” than they are? What if and what if and what if….
Well I certainly can not change the world, but I can change myself. And I am changing myself so that I can be (however small) one more good influence on this world. But that is just me. ;)
With all my heart I say OM SHANTI, SHANTI, SHANTI
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