By now, I think you have all heard me say time and time
again, how much yoga has changed my life and how grateful I am for all that I
have learned, and yet, the really beautiful thing about life and about yoga, is
that we never stop learning, we never stop growing and we are never ever above
change.
The last few weeks, I have been learning something new in my
yoga practice and in my life in general. It began one morning as I moved
through the primary series. This series and I have had a love hate relationship
in the past, but today, I am head over heels, madly in love with my ashtanga
practice, and I thank God every day for it.
But this particular morning, as I moved from pose to pose, I
began to notice something. I wasn’t counting fully to five and then moving to
the next pose, I was breathing and counting to 4, and when I knew that 5 was
coming, I began to transition to the next asana. I tried to remedy it and
continue, and just as I had made it to the floor for dandasana, I realized, I
was thinking way ahead. I was in dandasana, my bandhas were engaged, and the
breath and gaze were steady, but my mind was skipping ahead to the next couple
of poses. I inhaled and lifted my chin up, and took a second before moving into
the first forward fold and decided to change something. I was going to change
my anxiety of the poses to come into presence of mind. The problem was, it was
easier said than done.
When my practice ended, and I went on with the rest of my
day, I decided to try to stay present and stop anticipating. So, the day
started out great, and before you know it, a sharp pain on my toe indicated
that I would be in need to go to the foot doctor; and all my intention of
non-anticipation, went out the window.
Exactly a year ago, I had been forced to pay a visit to the
foot doctor due to a hugely embarrassing, can’t believe it happened to me,
ingrown toe-nail. (yes, you can go right ahead and think it, YUCK! And for
those of you who have been, ahem, blessed enough to experience this your
selves, yes, OUCH!)
So, subconsciously, I began to do exactly what I have been
training my poor body to do in these circumstances, I panicked with the full on
fear of anticipation.
My palms got sweaty, I entered a stage of denial and I
ignored the poor toe for a few more days, sustaining, though knowing better,
that this was only a mild infection, and it would heal if I kept soaking it and
cleaning it every day. However, by the 4th day, the true concern and
reality of it all set in. I asked my dear mother and sister in-law about it,
and they both said it might be time, then I asked one of my dearest yoga
teachers, and she said much the same, so; I resigned my self to the fact that
this was happening. No more hiding the truth little me, it was time to make a
call.
And so I did. I called the doctor, and made an appointment,
and began to panic internally because I knew what was going to happen, and I
knew how much it was going to hurt, I was in full anticipation mode, and full
story mode (you know, that place where you tell your self something is so just
because you have perceived it to be so in the past; like thinking that just
because you stubbed your toe on your mom’s end table once, it will keep
happening if you so much as look at the darn thing; that story mode)
So, the day went by and I kept trying to breathe, and
meditate and focus on my practice, but the second I stopped meditating, or
ended my practice, the reality set in again, and I began to panic all over
again.
The morning of the consult, I did some restorative to calm
my nerves and headed over to the doctor’s office with my mom (I told you I knew
what was coming, and heck, I wanted backup). As soon as the nurse took a look
at my toe she had a look in her eye that said, “oh, you poor girl, here you go
again” and my heart sank to the floor. Then the doctor came in, and with out
even inspecting the toe in a detailed manner, announced, the nail is in-grown,
it must come out. So, she sits down, and before she even touches my foot, I
begin to get light headed. My body was frozen, my mind, and soul, trapped by a
memory of the same doctor performing the same surgery on the same toe a freaking
year ago! In my mind, the pain was already there, and so, when she finally
began, all the memories of the pain, plus the actual pain of what was happening
and what had happened seemed to meld together in a perfect symphony of real and
fabricated pain that culminated with my embarrassing near fainting.
My mom was worried, the doctor had to help me lie down, the
nurse gave me some water and put some cold compresses on my neck and forehead
while studiously pointing out how pale I was, and then, it hit me. I had
sabotaged myself in this moment, much the same way I had been sabotaging myself
while practicing a few mornings back.
Except, instead of anticipating breaths and asanas, I was
anticipating pain; so when what was happening in the moment happened, I had
dragged a pre-conceived notion of what it was going to be like with me and made
things a hundred times worse than they needed to be.
As the doctor sat there telling me I should never even think
about having children because I probably will never be able to handle the pain
(hey! Don’t anticipate on my behalf lady haha) I began to ponder (funny how
after I started doing yoga these little cathartic moments and lessons are just
so clear to me form time to time) and look back on certain things in my life,
and I began to realize how adept I had become in the art of anticipation.
As a child, if I ever took a tumble, I would anticipate a
repeat, and would therefore, be extra cautious, and, honestly a scardy cat
about it, and most likely avoid that thing again (which is why it took me so
long to learn how to ride a bike, and why I have not been rollerblading in
years)
Then, I started to create stories in my head, and think them
to be facts about life, so, some kids in school shunned me for being fat; but
the second I drastically lose weight due to a triple case of salmonella (yup,
not fun to come close to death either) I am queen of the school? So in my mind,
I made up this story that therefore, being fat was evil, and I needed to find a
way to remain thin forever; no matter the cost, lest I be shunned again. Also,
due to the salmonella, I became quite scared of stomach related issues. I was
in such a state of anticipation about the whole thing repeating again, that I
thought a small case of whatever meant death; and so I was super terrified to
ever get any kind of stomach problem. (I am over that now, but you get the
idea)
A tragedy happened, and I would tell myself (subconsciously)
to anticipate the same outcome every time should something similar even hint at
happening again.
My heart was broken, and I decided all relationships would
end badly; but was proven wrong thanks to the amazing love my husband has
provided. Seriously, I anticipated things to be so terribly wrong in the end,
that he had to fight for me for years before I became present to the fact that
our love was solid and we were going to be ok.
[Think; can you see this happening in your life? Have you
been through something and then kept anticipating the same exact result in an
entirely different moment and/or time?]
So, the doctor finished and I went home feeling silly and
decided to make it an even bigger point to become present and stop anticipating,
both in life and in my practice.
So, the very next day, when I unrolled my mat and began my
practice, I became aware of the anticipation, kindly patted it in the head, and
pushed it aside, and remained present. I started with the little things, like
fear that the toe would hurt if I did x, y or z; instead of fearing and
anticipating this, I gently moved through the practice, and through each breath
and pose moment to moment, if something hurt, I would adjust in that moment,
not before. I would not think 3 or 4 poses ahead, but instead, took to holding
certain poses longer than usual (like warrior 2 for about a minute and so on)
and to not anticipating the exit of the pose but experience all the sensations
that the pose brought forth, all of them, happy and comfy as well as intense
and shaky.
And honestly, this little practice of cutting anticipation
off before it becomes a full on panic attack, and the presence of mind that
come with practicing and trying to live this way as much as possible have made
a huge difference in my life.
It is always said to live moment to moment, and you can say
this all day long, but until you can find a way to gently stop anticipating;
the presence of the moment will elude you. You have to be able to let go of the
past and future influences and open up one hundred percent to the present
moment in order to love, live, and exist fully.
"You
got to let go of the stuff from past - because it just doesn't matter! The only
thing that matters is what you choose to be now." PO Kungfu panda 2
