Invert Your Fears

As a child, I was the typical kid who lived life in a constant state of terror. You know the kind of kid I’m talking about, that little kid who always refuses to try new things, climb trees, do cart-wheels, stand on their head, ride roller-coasters, play sports, etc. The kind of kid who spends most of his or her time reading a book or, gulp, watching television. (Yes, I know, I know, I spent most of my childhood watching movies and television shows, but hey, I was terrified of the world, cut me some slack…. And lets be completely honest here, I am very into stories so don’t expect me to put those books or movies down anytime soon…ahem, I digress…)

Yup, that little wimp was me. In fact, that little wimp is still me in so very many ways.

Not that I don’t enjoy a good roller-coaster now-a-days or that I can’t fathom the idea of trying something new; but, in falling in love with my yoga practice I have discovered a plethora of things that I am still terrified of.

And since the list is too long for one blog, lets begin by focusing on one big, huge terrifying element in my life.

INVERSIONS.

Yup, those wonderful inversions that so many relish, adore and master in a matter of what may seem like mere seconds, make my heart race, my breath shorten, my stomach tighten, and my palms sweat quite a bit.

As a matter of fact, putting myself upside down on and off the mat has been quite the challenge for me. But I think I am beginning to see the value of it little by little.

For starters, putting yourself upside down every now and then can do miracles for your body. There have been plenty of studies and articles detailing the many wonderful things that can come from simply allowing yourself to be upside down for a while.

In the practice of yoga, we notice that, when done properly, and with awareness, people who practice inversions experience a number of benefits. People who normally can’t to relax find a great release when placing themselves upside down, some people experience relief in their backs, some others feel energized, and some others feel an increase in clarity (due to the increased blood flow to some essential glands and cells in the brain).

Inversions are believed to increase the cardiovascular, respiratory, endocrine and lymphatic systems, and they are also attributed with keeping people looking young in some cases.

Either way you look at it, inversions can do wonders for your body. But what is truly astounding to me is the way inversions can help change you from the inside.

As I stated earlier, putting yourself upside down every now and then can do miracles for your body, but (as I have experienced in my own practice) they can also do miracles on a psychological, and even an emotional level.

It is said that one who can learn to master sirsasana (headstand) can learn to conquer his or her fears. The first time I read this, I immediately ran to my mat and attempted the king of all poses. Sure, I ended up slamming down onto the floor, but I felt so joyous at the fact that I had attempted such a feat, me the fearful child, that it didn’t matter to me.

The second my feet were above my head (before I slammed into the ground, of course) I knew that I was ready for a change. I knew, somehow, that I was going to look fear in the eye, and gently push right past it.

And so, heart pudding, breath catching, palms sweating, and stomach knotting up, I tried once more. And I continued to try day after day, month after month, year after year, until one day, up I went, and up I stayed. I was so excited, I ran to get my camera (I had to document the triumphant moment in case the little yogic fairies decided to come in the middle of the night and take my new super power away form me) set the automatic timer, and assumed sirsasana pose until my heart was content.

Ever since then, I have noticed just how big of a mental and emotional achievement this was for me. Sure, I needed to work on arm and core strength, along with some breath control and leg control, but for me, the real challenge was to actually allow myself to look past the fear (fear of injury, fear of pain, fear of inadequacy, fear of humiliation, fear of abandonment, etc) and simply trust that I would survive it all.

And the bigger challenge was to allow that lesson to transfer off my mat and into my daily life. It was a learning game. A game where every time my feet were up in the air, where they are “not meant” to be, I could take some time to think of how differently my world would look like if I stopped putting it in a box. If I stopped judging and making assumptions and anticipating.

Every inversion brought about a new opportunity to see myself under a different light, a chance to change my perspective of my entire universe, and so, I fell in love with inversions. Until I met Adho Mukha Vrksasana (headstand) and this inversion had a whole new set of fears attached to it. Fear of falling, fear of breaking my nose, fear of not being good enough, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of self-sacrifice, and on and on. And every time I practice Adho Mukha Vrksasana, though not yet mastered, I am receiving a gift; a chance to begin to heal and change all kinds of fears with in me. Fears I am aware of, and fears still unknown. But I am able to approach them all gently, and move right past them, one at a time. And it is all because I was willing to look at my universe in an unconventional way.

Are you willing to change your perspective?

  

“Maybe the only thing each of us can see is our own shadow…” “… Not the exact image, but everything reversed or upside down.”

Chuck Palahniuk

“The world is wrong side up. It needs to be turned upside down in order to be right side up. "

  Billy Sunday

Choose to Transform Into a State of Gratitude

Having spent the last week and a half dealing with knee issues and back issues, I have come to the not so subtle realization of the following truths about myself:

1.     I am a master complainer. Honestly, you name the topic, I am complaining about it.

2.     I really need to learn how to become less attached

Lets address the second point first.

Working on letting go of attachments is a difficult topic, and a challenge for all humans. However, it is also incredibly necessary in order to be completely happy. The more you “attach” to things, the more miserable you become (i.e. the more I attached to the asana practice, the more frustrated and miserable I became when faced with the fact that for a while, asana would have to be minimal to non-existing until I was done healing properly)

And the reason for my attachment to my asana practice, comes from the attachment to the joyous feeling I get when I realized that I (the girl who never really did anything physical for fear of ridicule, or pain) have finally been able to, over the past few years, become active, and dare I say it? Athletic…. Yikes! Even writing it down gives me a little bit of a thrill.

So, since I have become attached to this notion, and feeling, the cessation of asana made me miserable for the first few days. 

Thankfully, my lovely teacher reminded me that “being sad about not being able to practice asana is an attachment that only causes suffering”. So, I took a deep breath, let go of all my attachments regarding my asana practice, and was finally able to rest. And I confess it made a huge difference in how I felt. 

I was no longer sulky and miserable, but peaceful and receptive.

I was able to look at the situation differently and enjoy the fact that for a few days, I got a chance to meditate and work on my pranayama more than I normally do.

I was free to sleep in a bit longer, and use props to restore when I finally began to move again.

In other words, the choice I had made to release my attachment had made me free. 

Am I saying that I will never ever become attached to anything or anyone ever again? Nope, I am not perfect, I know I will continue to attach, but I also know I have the choice to let go and grow from that attachment.

As for the first point, the one about me being a huge complainer, well, that was a lovely discovery as well. And it all began a seemingly annoying morning; when, having noticed some improvement on my knees and back, I decided to hit the mat, (gently, of course).

Now, I have known for years that restorative classes are not my faves, but also, that they are very necessary, so I have been making a conscious effort to incorporate them into my practice at least once or twice a month, however, it is a struggle for me. 

Most of the time I am fighting back at every turn, and yup, you guessed it, I am internally complaining about stuff the whole time. 

That was actually what caught my attention this week.

I had spent about 8 minutes of a 10 minute supine, supported asana hold internally complaining about my legs, and how broken I felt. I went through a mental list of things that were wrong with me and then proceeded to list out things I hated about all different aspect of my life. It was around minute 8 (I could tell because my little timer had dinged for the eight time) that I started to internally complain about how unlucky I was for having knee trouble and suddenly realized what I was doing.

My breath got caught up, literally, and I realized I had wasted half my practice doing this very thing. I had been putting myself into poses for over half an hour by this point, and all I had managed to do was complain about things and get more and more frustrated because of it. So I made a conscious decision to stop the negative chatter, and turned it around. 

I thought about all the things I had been complaining about, and began to thank them and send gratitude toward them for being exactly as they should.

I moved through out the rest of the practice breaking little parts of my body down, and thanking them for being as amazing as they are. I thanked my legs, feet, arms, lungs, kidneys, eyes, ears, stomach, butt, heels, nose, mouth, shoulders, etc. Every new pose bought with it a new opportunity to be grateful to my body. And every second brought with it an opportunity to heal all the damage I had done to my very spirit for being such a negative complainer.

Class wrapped up, and the feeling of freedom, and joy that came over me during savasana was incredible. In fact, I can’t really even put it into words, all I can say is I felt like a new person, and I loved it.

So, I have been practicing off the mat to bring this same intention of gratitude out whenever I can hear or feel the negative complaint being born in me again. 

It has been a challenge, and just as with the attachment, I know that I will complain about something sometime because, yes, I am human, and yes, I can sometimes forget and get carried away. But just as before, I know that I have a choice. I can choose to complain about x,y or z, or I can choose to be grateful for those things in my life. 

Because if I am grateful for it all. The good, the seemingly bad, and the in-between, then I am truly experiencing life to the fullest.

“Choose to transform your complaint into a state of gratitude, then step back and watch how it changes your life.”

NAMASTE

Share in the Dance Little Gopies

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About a year ago, I heard one of my favorite yoga teachers narrate a beautiful love story before class; and the story has been in my mind and soul ever since.

The story talks about Krishna and Rama, as they dance through the forest and it embodies all their love and devotion for one another. The story also speaks about the dance that Krishna and Rama shared with the gopies (also known as cow headers) of the little town near by, and how completely wrapped in bliss they all were until the little gopies started to notice that they were all sharing in this joy, and got jealous; wanting to dance with Krishna all by them selves, no sharing allowed. The story then proceeds to describe how Krishna takes Rama with him and together, they live in bliss while the gopies are forced to go back home and recognize the fact that they all need to share in the dance always, and not be selfish, and the fact that if they are open to grace and love, and stay present moment to moment, their shared and personal dance with Krishna need never disappear.

And that was just it, the aspect of the story that really made me think, and that stuck with me for months and months. See I was struck by the love story, but it was the fact that at a very human level, we all tend to be little jealous gopies that really struck me.

And this fact, though very, very human, is also kind of ridiculous. See, on some level, when we are happy, we can sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, resent those who are also sharing in this dance of happiness with us. 

This is a very odd and disconcerting aspect of human beings, but never the less, I find it to be true. Just this morning, in fact I was listening to a radio host go on and on about how the fact that her best fiend was getting engaged as she was finishing her wedding preparations robbed her of complete joy. She felt offended that her friend's fiancé hadn't had the "presence of mind" (interesting use of words by the way) to wait until her wedding was over to propose to her friend! I mean she was livid! Her thunder had apparently been stolen, and she felt as though she had gone from being the belle of the ball, all eyes on her, to "oh, yeah, and she is getting married too"

I mean, I am sorry but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Not because I thought the DJ was such a loser, but because I could relate to what she was saying. Oh admit it, we can all relate. I mean, how many times have you hear a story like this? Or how many times have you, your self felt this way? I know I have been here before, and yes, I am a little embarrassed by it, but I also realize it was a very human reaction, and I can learn to see it as a part of me. No, people, do not freak out, I am not saying it is ok or that it should become a constant thing, all I am saying is that I see it, and I can now start to work on it. You know, learning to be present with your self, good, bad, ugly and in between so you can grow and shine more and more every day, yeah, that’s the kind of acceptance I found through this story about my gopie self. 

It's such a weird reaction to me, but this kind of thing happens all the time, and it only causes more and more pain, frustration, heartache, and dissatisfaction. Think about it. When was the last time that glaring at your "model" girlfriend for being so darn beautiful helped you feel better? Or the last time that wishing to be the only center of attention truly fulfilled you?

Are we so self-absorbed that all we can think about is being the one and only happy human being on earth? Have we become so ridiculously competitive that we think it is ok for our children to compete in "beauty pageants" at age 3 and then be crushed when they don't win the "grand" prize, when they could be a billion times happier playing together? When did it become the norm to begrudge someone for getting x,y or z at the same time, before or after us? Why can't we just be happy for everyone else as well as for our selves?

Imagine how amazing it would be to just embrace the fact that we are all living life the very best we know how to, and that we can all, in the midst of all the craziness that comes with living, can be happy at the exact same time! I mean, c’mon! How incredibly awesome is it to realize that right at this moment, a billion other people are laughing, rejoicing, and loving just as deeply, and purely as you are. Doesn’t that give you goose bumps? Doesn’t it make you feel excited to know that we, who are in fact all one, are all capable of joy, and contentment, and love, and so much more, all at the very same time. And that the world as you know it will not implode just because you aren’t the sole person on earth to be happy?!

Well, heck, this makes me super happy, and I hope we can one day all share in this dance as one, with out begrudging the fact that we are all in it together.

OM SHANTI, SHANTI, SHANTI OM