The Green Monster

Ah, jealousy, how you butt your ugly green nose where it does not belong.

I admit it; I have been wearing green tinted spectacles for a few years now. Every now and then, they come off, but when they are on, boy, oh, boy do they take over my entire view of the world; and I am on a mission to obliterate these green mind-benders.

It all started while observing a talented yogi (who happened to be next to me in class, lucky me) move with ease into tripod headstand, and handstand, and a billion other awe inspiring yoga poses that seem to be on a perpetual quest to stay far, far away from me.

I moved next to her in class thinking, “Oh, aren’t we hot stuff.” (While internally rolling my eyes and possibly, making caricaturish gaging noises that are quite unladylike.) A huge part of me kept asking me to stop the comparison, to pay attention to my breath and stay with in the four freaking corners of my own mat, not the other person’s. 

I mean, I know this, heck, I thought I had mastered this over the years, I have even taught this almost every class in a sincere effort to remind everyone how amazing they are and how they can practice in a beautifully meditative and safe manner; and yet, on this particular day, when my limbs turned to lead, and my neighbor yogi became a talented angel, flaunting her super-human bandha control in my face, I lost the battle to that ugly green monster called jealousy.

Yup, I had accessed that highly insecure and needy part of my ego and let it take over. I allowed my practice to become a comparison, and a competition. I kept yearning to do just one asana she could not, just one graceful, incredible move she would be stumped by. And then it happened. I fell flat on my face, turned to see what she was doing and felt an immediate surge of love and kinship for this incredible human being.

I sat up for a bit ad just watched in awe. She was so focused, so immersed in her practice she radiated prana and beauty. A warm sensation filled me and washed away the green color that had so permeated every part of my being. The anger was gone, the self-pity had dissolved, the insecure little girl that likes to whine and feel sorry for herself had disappeared and all that was left in that room, sitting on top of my mat, was me.

Imperfect, flawed, and amazingly incredible, me!

I had to laugh at myself a little. I hadn’t just experienced asana jealousy, I had come face to face with my very own “boogey man” and her name was Sapha, the jealous one.

All the years of yearning to have this or that person’s legs, arms, butt, belly, hair, career, etc. had finally caught up with me on the mat.

That pang of pain that washed over me when I saw someone whom I had unfairly judged unworthy to play x,y or z character on TV, film or stage. That annoying “Black Swan” feeling that screams, “It should be me! Not her, me! I am the fairest of them all!” had taken over, and I was staring right into its greedy, judgy, hateful green eyes.

“All this time,” I thought, “all these years wasting my emotions, time, thoughts and breath on this ridiculous notion that I am not as good as someone else, that I should be where that person was, that I was more deserving than whomever; all of it has been a lie.”

Funny, I really thought all my problems stemmed from the low self-esteem that had taken root in me through my eating disorder. And yet, I hadn’t realized these issued ran much deeper. Out of a sense of rejection for myself, and the person I thought I was; the person I thought I had to be.

The jealous outbursts that made me cry when I saw someone succeed where I had failed were nothing but a symptom, and I was ready for the cure. Correction, I am ready for the cure.

I took some time to meditate after class was done, and imagined myself standing in front of a mirror, and gazing into my soul. I saw all the good, the bad, and the in between. I saw the green, red, blue, pink and white colors that make up who I am (sorry if that was a bit too poetic for you, it is the best way I can explain this today it seems). I saw a strong, valiant young woman who had grown so much over the last few years that she nearly glowed with joy and life. I saw a broken little girl, yearning for love and attention. I saw an adventure-seeking warrior who would stop at nothing to overcome her fears and plunge into the unknown in an effort to change her world. I saw a yogi, a wife, a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a role-model, a student, an artist, a leader, a scared, yet courageous being who was glowing with love, life, and all the essence of the universe. I SAW ME. And I LOVED ME. I loved me and I forgave me, and I smiled at my reflection and I knew, whenever the green skinned Sapha came around, I could show her this incredible creature, and it would make her go back to whatever ego-filled cave she came from.

It shall be a perpetual battle between the two, but my money is not on the monster, it is on me. It is on my imperfections and my flaws and all that makes me who I am. Regardless of how many years it may take me to “get” an asana or a part. I am more than enough at all times. I am incredible just as imperfect and flawed as I am right at this very moment, and that is simply lovely.

NAMASTE

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Yoga is a Living, Breathing Practice

There are days when I think I have my yoga practice all figured out. Days when I feel like I know all about the Gita, the Sutras, the mantras, the variations, and the limbs of the tree. These are the days my yoga practice teaches me a lesson that reminds me I am still clueless.

Take last week, for example. I unrolled my mat, decided to move into deeper exploration of the intermediate ashtanga sequence, and discovered that my body was “having issues” in places it should not have been (wrists issues, knee issues, sciatic nerve pinching kind of issues, you get the idea). I felt heavy and stagnant. I actually felt as if I was moving through mud just to get from one pose to the next, and the mere effort of keeping my breath, bandhas and drishti under control seemed an incredibly impossible task.

I was devastated. Well, my ego was devastated for a few minutes when I finally made it to savasana. I though, “How is this possible?” I couldn’t understand what had changed from one day to the next. The day before, I had moved through primary so smoothly and with such strength that I was sure the next day’s practice would be, if not the same (because I do realize each day is a new, different kind of practice) certainly not as different as it ended up being.

I was ready to beat my-self up about it when I suddenly realized something about the yoga practice I cannot believe I had not understood before. The practice had just challenged me. My yoga practice had apparently decided to make it worth my while to push my body through the “energetic mud”, and offered me a challenge to work through. My practice had really put me to the test that morning, and I have to say, it was well worth it. It was worth the pain because I was able to become present enough to know when to push and when not to and when and how to adjust whatever was not working for me that morning. It was worth it because I used more energy, breath, and focus, and received more energy in return. And finally, it was worth it because I now realize the yoga practice is a living, breathing thing.

The very moment you unroll your yoga mat for the very first time, is the very moment you have just given birth (or life) to your practice. From that moment on, the practice grows, just as you grow.

It becomes stronger, more open, and more intuitive. It hungers for more; it yearns to rest and also to be challenged. It releases emotions and allows creativity to flourish. It gets inspired and depleted. It yearns to be free from time to time but it demands commitment, devotion and discipline. It joins in as you laugh and cry or get angry. It reminds you not to give up, but to ground down instead. It shows you a way to connect with yourself and others more effectively. It allows you to see the world through the eyes of compassion and love that you have tried to keep closed for so many years.

It brings you face to face with your fears, your longing, your anger, your joy, your pain, your heart-ache, your pride, your compassion, your hatred, your forgiveness, your courage, your beliefs, your ideas, your lies, your truths; simply put, the practice bring you face to face with every single part of your self, no holds bar.

The practice challenges you when you are resistant to allow things to evolve in your life, or when you are resisting change or simply when there is more room for growth with in. Maybe it suddenly takes your ability to do sirsasana away for a few months so you can re-learn it from the very beginning again. Maybe it decides it is time to find out just how committed you are by making it really heavy and hard to move through so much as a restorative class.

Whatever you are most in need of, the practice will provide. It will shine a light through the shadows and will watch and be proud of every step you take. It will grow as you grow, and it will expect a level of devotion, commitment and continuity at all times.

So even on the days when you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and there is no possible way you can do yoga, know that the practice awaits you patiently, and if you give it a chance, even for 5 minutes, it will welcome you, heal you, guide you and change you.

Karen Horney once said, “Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.” And since yoga is a full representation of lie, I say, yoga is a very effective therapist.

So don’t ever give up on your practice, because it will never give up on you.

Debunking Six Popular Yoga Rumors

When I first discovered yoga in the 1990’s, I was ecstatic. I could feel a gravitational pull emanating from every part of my being to this wonderful practice, and I truly began to fall head over heals for it.

The trouble was, we had very little information about the practice and I was told that what I was doing by practicing yoga was unpleasant to God. That it was a religious practice I needed to stay away from and that I should go back to reading the Bible instead of trying to meditate, which would inevitably lead to my becoming possessed by a demon.

Yeah, that was pretty much my first encounter with the “rumors” about yoga. I was sad, but I was also respectful of my elders, and so I listened and left the practice behind until a few years, back, when I was able to make an informed and open-minded choice about the practice. And boy, am I ever glad I rekindled my passion for this yoga of mine.

Unfortunately, much rumor and speculation still remains regarding the practice and, although I understand both sides of the spectrum, it does sadden me that people have gotten the wrong information about something as pure and as amazing as yoga.

So in an effort to dispel some of these rumors; here are six things that yoga is not:

1.- Yoga is not a religion. – I heard a teacher say this once, and it stuck with me: “Religion is not contained within yoga” See, the word yoga means to “yoke”, to unify, and to bring together. Therefore, yoga is a union of body, mind and spirit. This does not mean, however that you are going to a yoga shala or class to bow down to x,y or z deity. You do not do yoga as a part of a service or ritual. Yoga does not have a formal creed or religious statement for you to follow. Yoga accepts all people, regardless of religious beliefs, sex, body constitution, culture, ethnicity, economic standing, etc. So; no, yoga is not a religion. Can there be religion in yoga? Yes, if you bring it in with you, but that does not mean that religion is an inherent part of yoga.

2.- Chanting “OM” will not send you to hell lead to possession. – Contrary to popular misconceptions, chanting the sound “OM” is not a sin. I like to explain it to my students in this manner. We can stretch, move and strengthen the body through a myriad of physical activities. We can strengthen the mind as well, through mathematics, reading, puzzles, etc. So, how then, do you exercise, and stretch your very cells? How do you reach deep with in and touch every tiny little cell that makes you who you are and give them all a little individual massage? You make them resonate. You allow a sound or sounds to shake them up and help them release tension, expand, move and become alive. So when we chant OM (which incidentally is not the name of some creepy deity or demon, but rather, a complete, universal sound) we are getting a cellular massage. We are allowing every part of ourselves to become engaged, to resonate and to be filled with life.

3.- Meditation is not a demonic revolving door. – Ok, there is a huge movement against all things “meditation” and so books have been written and people have been told that meditation leads to either demonic possession (as it apparently opens the doors of your brain to demons while you are “relinquishing control”) or spiritual alienation from God. Well, sorry, but I disagree fully. We meditate to calm the mind, not to “relinquish control” of the mind. In fact, there is plenty of “control of the mind” during meditation; the only change is a quieting of the mind, not a “relinquishing of control”. We also meditate in order to allow ourselves to be truly present, which means we are fully aware of what is going on moment-to-moment, not totally oblivious and open to possession. In fact, many religions believe in meditation as a way to be present enough to listen to and feel God’s presence. Some will pick a verse from a Holy Book and meditate upon it. It is even said, “meditate on the word of The Lord day and night.” Joshua 1:8 even states, “Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” So, as with all things in life, meditation is what you make of it. If you chose to allow your meditation time to bring you closer to God, then this is the outcome you will create with your intention.

4. – Doing yoga does not guarantee a perfect body. – In recent years, this has become one of the most popular rumors out there. Lets address it little by little. Firstly, yoga is not solely a physical activity, and therefore, the goal of the practice is not and should not be to get skinny, hot, toned, or fit. Yoga is, as stated above, a complete union of body, mind and spirit. Therefore, it is a practice that should be approached with devotion, self-awareness and commitment. It is a practice intended to help you go deep with in so that you may grow, and so that you may quiet the mind in order to see the world and see yourself as you truly are, not as you think you are. (Yoga Sutras 101 baby) Secondly, going into a yoga class expecting to burn a bazillion calories simply because Gwyneth Paltrow does yoga and looks amazing, will only lead to disappointment. Once more, this practice isn’t purely physical, so, even though the body is being challenged, and you are indeed burning calories, you are not in an aerobics class darling. On average, you can burn anywhere from 100 to 300 calories per class. Yup, not as many as you though huh? And the beauty of it is, it is not a bad thing. You are going so much deeper than all that. When you allow the practice to really seep into every part of who you are, you are becoming aware of just how amazing you truly are, how beautiful being in the moment can be, how incredible all the people in this planet are and just how peaceful it can get when you quiet the mind in order to see things as they really are. So stop fretting over how toned, sexy or thin you will get by practicing this yoga or that, and instead, focus on the work you are putting in to better your body, mind and spirit.

5.- Breathing is crucial to your practice. – I see this all the time, and admittedly, when I first began my practice, I was quite the perpetrator of this, but BREATHING is absolutely crucial to your practice. Meaning, you can not move through a Vinyasa class in true meditative motion if you are hyperventilating, or if you are breathing so gently, so softly that not even a mouse could hear you. Yup peeps, “ujjayi” (the kind of breath we use while practicing) means victorious! Not meekly breath, but victorious breath! J I love that! So, let me break it down. You can not do ujjayi breath properly if you are shying away from letting others hear you breath, you can not practice properly if you are running out of air mid vinyasa, and you can not fully practice yoga if you are allowing the movement to dictate the breath, not the breath to guide you through the movement. So, next time you are in a flow class and the teacher has repeated the phrase, “don’t forget to breathe” for the umpteenth time, take a moment and consider the possibility that you may indeed not be breathing fully, and then, change this breath. It seems silly but I can not tell you what a difference proper ujjayi breath makes in a practice; especially a flow based practice. Remember, yoga is a meditation in movement, it is not a race to see who can get to the top of the mat first or who can be the fanciest jumping through. So, take your time to really allow the breath to be the thing that moves you through your practice and watch how much more energy and life you can generate this way (as opposed to breathing like a weight lifting champ) and also, observe how much more focused, and quiet your mind becomes. It is truly lovely.

6.- Yoga will not wreck your body if you practice properly. – This is crucial, take it form someone who has been injured before. The way to get injured really badly and really quickly in yoga is losing control of the breath, and allowing your ego to take over control. When you are in a class, and you decide you will push and push and push your body past the place where it actually needs to go, you are going to get hurt. So, if you want to show off and force yourself to come onto lotus when your hips aren’t open, your knees are gonna get the brunt of it, and oops, there went your meniscus. (Yeah, not fun. Again, take it from me.) So always be present, stay with in the four corners of your mat and stop trying to compete, show off and/or do something that is not right for your body. Every body is different, and every body’s body is different every day. So the next time you get on your mat, please become present, aware and loving. Love your self and the body you have in exactly the place it happens to be at this very moment. You may never be able to put both legs behind your head, but if you are able to let your attachment to that pose go, and really enjoy the breath and the intention of your practice, then you will benefit from your practice a million times more than if you spent 5 hours panting and moaning and damming it all to hell and forcing both legs to do what they cannot or will not at that particular time.

Ok, hope this helped shine a light where once the darkness of rumor resided.

Namaste

The "Approval" Complex Paradox

A random thought distracted me during my practice this morning. I was trying to bring my hands to touch in supta kurmasana, when I thought, “man, I can’t wait to get this pose right and post it on Facebook” ugh, yuck!, my breath caught and I almost got stuck as a “kurma” for life. So I took a deep inhale, let that particular attachment go and moved through what remained of my practice, but I felt I had come to a pretty awesome self-realization, and I needed to write it down. So here we go:

Ok, I admit it; I like logging onto Facebook and discovering how many people "like" my posts and pictures. Yes I am fully embarrassed by this but lets face it, we are all in the same boat. Unless you don't use Facebook, in which case, kudos to you, although; chances are you are still seeking approval from others elsewhere in life, and that is perfectly normal.

See, as humans we have this “approval complex" thing going. (no, not a medical term as far as I know; just for the record) From a very young age, we seek our parent’s approval, our sibling’s approval, our friend’s approval, and even the approval of strangers.

And I am not saying this is wrong and that we all need to stop caring what other people think about us completely, because, lets face it, that is not very realistic. [Even those who say they are doing x, y or z precisely because they don’t care what people think; are doing x, y or z to prove to someone that the “don’t care”]

After all, that’s why we dress nicely, and wear makeup or get our hair done. And yes, this is also a big reason why we log on to Facebook to begin with; is it not? So we can share who we are with others and get some form of approval from them as to who we are; as if their approval was the one and only thing able to fully determine our worth, and that’s where the true problem lies.

If we allow ourselves to go through life putting more stock into what people’s opinions are about who we are, than into what we believe or know about ourselves and our true worth; then we get caught up in a dangerous lie that can only lead to heartbreak, disappointment and, yes, you guessed it, attachment.

I see this more clearly today because it dawned on me how much our need for approval has seeped into every part of our lives, from the way we express ourselves to the way we look and even; dare I say this? Our yoga practice!

Looking back it actually is very interesting how all of a sudden, a person’s ability to execute a beautiful asana properly in the middle of Times Square has become more of a sign of admiration and respect than the actual knowledge, devotion, dedication and commitment the person has to the YOGA, not just the asana.

Now, am I saying that every person who posts pictures of an awesome pose anywhere on earth (yours truly included here by the way because I do this all the time) is a bad person? No! Heck no! Matter of fact, I love seeing these pictures; they inspire me and make me smile, so by all means keep them coming. The real problem is the fact that some people are using these images as a way to prove to the world that they are good enough, worthy enough, and in some extreme cases, better than.

And it is an “attachment” deriving from our need for approval, and in some cases (like me, for instance) it can be a crutch to help boost a person’s self esteem from time to time.

And, yes, I know, some of you are saying, sure, but Facebook is really just a great promotional tool that also helps to connect you with people across the globe, and I am only sharing my love for the practice and the asana with the world; but be honest, how happy are you when all of a sudden a thought you posted or a picture you uploaded has a billion likes and just as many comments telling you how awesome you are. Or, how often do you find yourself judging other’s comments, actions, or pictures.

Yeah, admit it, we are all a little vain, a little egocentric, a little insecure and yes a little too focused on gaining people’s approval.

And as stated before; this is ok, its part of who we are, part of our human nature, and I am at the top of the list here, by the way.

Being the lovely brat that I am, of course I seek approval and praise constantly, after all, this is “Sapha land” and the “Sapha show” should play and be loved by all 24/7 right?

WRONG!

Ok inner brat, time to have a little chat.


Time to look in the mirror one more time and realize you are enough.

Your own love and approval and "like" are plenty, in fact, they are all you need. So stop putting your ego first, and instead, treat yourself with all the love, respect and admiration you have searched for from others for so many years. 


Yes, it is super nice to know those around us like, love and yes even approve of who we are; but it is even nicer when all this love comes from with in. See, the moment you start approving of who you are, that is the moment when no matter what someone says or does to try to put you down, it no loner holds any power over you. 


Now how amazing is that?

Can you simply be in the moment with out seeking approval? And can you love the part of yourself that still needs some attention while at the same time allowing all love, attention and approval to come from with in as well as from others?

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” –Mark Twain

“You can search the entire universe and not find a single being more worthy of love than you.” – Buddha

“With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world.” - Dalai Lama

Ground Down, Open Up and Listen

I think it is safe to say all men on earth and all women too, actually, have experienced one or more variations of the scenario bellow:

Man: Were you wearing those jeans yesterday?

Woman: Are you calling me dirty?!

Man: What? No, I…

Woman: Oh, so you’re saying I’m fat…

Man: … what the…

Woman:. …you’re calling me fat because you know these are my “fat” jeans and I have been wearing them a lot lately….

Mam: … actually….

Woman: …. well if I have gained weight it is your fault!

Man: huh?

Woman: You are always taking me out to these restaurants and making me eat like a pig, so it is your fault I put on weight! And for the record, I know how fat I am ok, so you don’t need to bring it up!

Man: (inner dialogue) wtf! I actually like those jeans on her…. Crazy!

Admit it, we have all, at one point or another jumped to conclusions.

We have basically “heard” what the other person said from an ungrounded, closed off point of view.

We have allowed our selves to believe the lie that everyone is out to get us, regardless of who they may be, so when we are having a conversation that is not “safe” (like not talking about the tv shows we watch or how Brad and Angie are so cute together) we automatically enter the conversation prepared to attack should the need arise.

We have believed for so long that everything is about us and that people are always out to get us, criticize us, and undermine us, that we have started to believe this lie and have taken the unconscious decision to enter honest conversations ready for combat when in reality, there is no war to be waged, only listening to be done.

I am the very best at this. I am the top fighter and the top assumer out there. Sure, a lot of it stems from my ego, as it constantly tells me the world revolves around me and all comments, thoughts, conversations or actions are about me, and therefore, when someone cuts me off while driving, it isn’t that they are not paying attention or are in a rush to get wherever, it is a personal attack on me, and so, my mind goes, “that *^%##, he/she totally cut me off on purpose!” or if I go to dinner and someone glances in my direction more than once, I think, “Do I look ugly? Why are they staring at me? They are totally criticizing me” while all the while, people are allowed to look wherever they want, including the television set behind my head, and yeah, even my lovely self, and think or say whatever they want. Of course, as stated in a previous blog, if I feel judged, it is because I am judging others myself, but I digress.

The other part to this situation, is that, because we have so many thoughts, assumptions, anticipations and pre-conceived notions about life running though our heads on a daily basis, we tend to allow ourselves to become scattered, and ungrounded. We forget to take a moment to breath and really ground down, and instead, we allow a parade of thoughts to prance through our brains at any given time, in absolute chaos.

So it is no wonder when someone asks about the weather, we jump down their throats. We have allowed ourselves to get caught in the stream of ideas and in doing so, we have cut off our ability to listen and understand what the other person (who also has their ungrounded self to deal with mind you) is truly trying to say to us.

We have also become completely closed off. Try to become aware of your physical self the next time you are in a heated conversation. What I have noticed is, my body will tense up, my shoulders will rise to meet my ears, my arms will cross and my fists will contract, as if ready to punch someone. These are all physical manifestations of an internal state. When you have allowed yourself to become so completely closed off to any kind of input from other people in fear that you are being attacked, you allow yourself to go a step further, and close off outwardly as well, and this reaction, triggers the same kind of closed off, aggressive reaction in others, because now they feel threatened; and so the cycle continues.

So what we need to work on, and I am at the top of the list here, is grounding down, opening up, and listening. Truly listening, not assuming we know what is being said, because nine times out of then, we do not.

I find that my body, mind and spirit learn lessons together, and so, what I have been doing to better comprehend this little tid-bit has been spending lots of time working on opposing forces on the mat. I have been working on rooting down while at the same time opening up, which feels like two opposing actions, but when combined, can bring forth an incredible array of freedom and opportunity.

At the same time, it is important to be able to take these lessons off the mat, so I am trying to find a way to ground down when I am feeling adrift in a sea of assumption, anticipation, judgment, and disconnect.

It isn’t easy, and it can sometimes feel a little strange and off-putting (like grounding down through the legs as you stand at the top of your mat and at the same time goal post your arms to find a deep, grounded back-bend) but it is necessary because conversations are critical to our interactions with others. And if we don’t find some time to ground down, and release our “stories” about what is being said, while at the same time opening up to the possibility that no one is out to get us and that what is being said is not meant as an attack; we will never be able to listen properly, and we will be adrift, closed off and in constant strife with those around us.

What if, the next time you were having a conversation that was being taken over by your stories, you took a second to take a breath, ground down (a.k.a let go of what you think is being said and instead pay attention to what is being said with out assigning meaning to it) and open up (meaning, allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough in a conversation that your immediate reaction is not to attack or defend your self but to pay attention and receive the true intention of what the other person is saying to you) and finally listen to what is being said.

How much nicer would your conversation be? How many arguments, or fights would you prevent? How much happier would you and everyone around you be?

Will it be easy, heck no! the best things in life never are. Will you forget? Sure! You are human and you can not help but become ungrounded every now and then, but, if you can begin to at least become aware of the fact that you are ungrounding, closing off and not listening, then you would have at least taken a step in the right direction. And the more you practice, the better you will become at it, and the more you will be able to listen. And who knows, maybe there will come a day where you will no longer go to your story mode, maybe there will come a day when you automatically ground, and open and listen.

Until then, practice, practice, practice.

Namaste

When it Rains, Open

I have discovered something interesting about my practice, well, ok, I should say, I have discovered yet another interesting aspect to my practice, because lets face it, there are too many lessons to be learned on the mat, and each one is a powerful gift. This new little gem I have uncovered is the ability to open up when the storm is at it’s worst.

You see, I have noticed a pattern in my teaching; whenever the weather is gloomy, rainy, and even torrential, most people, my self-included will desperately want to curl up under the covers and disappear for a while. And it is a natural response, but the funny thing is that every single time the weather has been “unpleasant” while I have had the honor of teaching somewhere, I have refused to teach comforting, safe, or sheltered poses (a.k.a no child’s pose, no kurmasana, no happy baby, you get the idea)

It is not that I don’t like these poses, because quite frankly, I think I could live in most of them forever, especially in kurmasana, and be perfectly content. I don’t actually know if I can’t explain where the feeling came from, but from the very first time I was blessed to teach during a rainy day, I knew what my students really needed was the opposite from what they wanted. So, I have gotten into the habit of teaching loads of heart openers, hip openers, shoulder openers and core related poses to my students on these days.

The initial response from most students is that of resistance. They all tense up when they hear the words hips, shoulders and heart because at that moment all they really want to do is be safe, and comfortable. The last thing they are looking for is a confrontation with the “self” (which is very common in these poses, especially all the hip openers) nor are they seeking release. No, all they want is a nice hot cup of hot cocoa and a movie to watch as they curl up under their beds and wait for the “storm” to pass.

But no such luck in my class little yogis, all I have done during these days is bring you up close and personal to all those little things you need to let go of in order to grow and bloom like the lovely little lotus flowers that you are.

You may think this is rather cruel of me, and considering my previous statement (where I confess I have no clue where this impulse comes from) you may also think I am a tad delusional and probably need to spend less time meditating and more time grounding down to earth and reality. However, you would be wrong.

I am not torturing my students, nor am I seeking to get them to (please excuse this horrid choice of words, as I know they are revolting) “get their work out in” (ew, I absolutely hate saying those words when it comes to yoga… eek… but, back to the topic at hand). I am, in fact, doing quite the opposite.

I am seeking ways to allow my students to really make a body/mind/spirit connection. And as a result, I am trying to break them out of their comfort zone and allow them to view the world from a different angle, because, lets face it, the world never looks quite as resplendent or awesome as it does when you have seen it though fresh eyes. And the thing about being able to see the world through fresh eyes is that you are unable to do so when you have been staring at the same thing, from the same spot, for years, and years.

That is where the gloom comes in, because the truth is, if all our life was filled with sunshine and rainbows, we would never in a million years be able to see anything differently. We would never be able to grow or learn, we would take things for granted and imagine that our perspective was all that existed and mattered in this world. If all we had in our lives was sunshine, lollipops and unicorns, then we would be stuck in lame, closed off and safe limbo for life. We would have no reason to do hip, heart, or shoulder releasing asanas, all we would do all day would be comfort and ground and rest. What kind of boring, stuck on first gear life would that be?

I know, I know, it seems like I am over exaggerating but think about how amazing your trials and tribulations are. Think about how horrible the earth would be with no rain, with no thunder, no chaos, no chance for regeneration and rebirth and order and creation.

How horrible would it be for you to never learn a lesson, to never be able to say, I have discovered something new about myself and my world because of my trials and tribulations, and have become a better being for it.

If we were closed off to our trials and tribulations, if all we did was run away from them and hide and seek shelter when the going got tough, instead of riding out the storm and learning to grow from all that seems to be so horrible in our lives, where would we be? Who would we be?

We have to find that balance in our lives, we have to be able to say, this hurts, this is terrifying, this makes me want to cry and scream and run for the hills, but I will be open to the fact that it is necessary and it is changing me for the better.

We cannot get stuck in the mud when things are unpleasant. We cannot become a lovely lotus flower if all we do is dig deeper into the mud. We cannot get stuck and trapped and we cannot give up just because it is too painful to keep going, or because the storm is so daunting we think we will never survive it.

What if every person who ever had his or her heart broken remained stuck in that pain forever? What if all they did day after day, year after year was mull over the pain, and cower at the thought of it becoming worse or replicating? What if no one ever realized that enduring tragedy was an opportunity for greatness, or that remaining open to all that surrounds us, scares us, and sometimes even hurts us was a beautiful gem in disguise.

If we stay closed off to all that life brings us, be it good, seemingly bad, joyful, painful, exhilarating or terrifying, we would never in a million years be able to say that we are alive. Because life is not all pink, life is all shades of light and dark, and everything in between. With out bitterness, all the sweetness in the world would be meaningless, with out rain no amount of sunshine would ever be worth taking in. And with out strife, and pain, and fear, life would have absolutely no joy, no courage, no passion, no inspiration, no love, it would be devoid of it all, and it would not be life, it would be nothing.

So, why do I take my students on a journey of opening when it is raining and all they want to do is seek comfort? Because comfort does not engender growth. Comfort, leaves no room for faith, or courage, or playfulness. Comfort only leads back to where it started, it does not move, it does not breathe life into you, it just makes you feel relatively safe right where you were when you started your journey.

And the loveliest part about these classes is that at the end of their journey, the students are able to leave the studio lighter, more radian and more alive than when they came in. They become able to look the storm in the eye, open up to whatever it may bring (with out letting the storm push them down) and blossom just a little bit more.

So now the question becomes, can you take that off the mat? Can you remember to open up when things are gloomy? Can you allow your self to bloom?

It won’t be an easy process, I can promise you it will be tough, and there will be times when opening up may be so tough, you may not manage it, but if you can remember to try to open up, even the littlest bit, you will have already made a huge change, and you will be just a tad more alive and a tad more free than you would have been, had you remained in your comfort zone.

 NAMASTE

Invert Your Fears

As a child, I was the typical kid who lived life in a constant state of terror. You know the kind of kid I’m talking about, that little kid who always refuses to try new things, climb trees, do cart-wheels, stand on their head, ride roller-coasters, play sports, etc. The kind of kid who spends most of his or her time reading a book or, gulp, watching television. (Yes, I know, I know, I spent most of my childhood watching movies and television shows, but hey, I was terrified of the world, cut me some slack…. And lets be completely honest here, I am very into stories so don’t expect me to put those books or movies down anytime soon…ahem, I digress…)

Yup, that little wimp was me. In fact, that little wimp is still me in so very many ways.

Not that I don’t enjoy a good roller-coaster now-a-days or that I can’t fathom the idea of trying something new; but, in falling in love with my yoga practice I have discovered a plethora of things that I am still terrified of.

And since the list is too long for one blog, lets begin by focusing on one big, huge terrifying element in my life.

INVERSIONS.

Yup, those wonderful inversions that so many relish, adore and master in a matter of what may seem like mere seconds, make my heart race, my breath shorten, my stomach tighten, and my palms sweat quite a bit.

As a matter of fact, putting myself upside down on and off the mat has been quite the challenge for me. But I think I am beginning to see the value of it little by little.

For starters, putting yourself upside down every now and then can do miracles for your body. There have been plenty of studies and articles detailing the many wonderful things that can come from simply allowing yourself to be upside down for a while.

In the practice of yoga, we notice that, when done properly, and with awareness, people who practice inversions experience a number of benefits. People who normally can’t to relax find a great release when placing themselves upside down, some people experience relief in their backs, some others feel energized, and some others feel an increase in clarity (due to the increased blood flow to some essential glands and cells in the brain).

Inversions are believed to increase the cardiovascular, respiratory, endocrine and lymphatic systems, and they are also attributed with keeping people looking young in some cases.

Either way you look at it, inversions can do wonders for your body. But what is truly astounding to me is the way inversions can help change you from the inside.

As I stated earlier, putting yourself upside down every now and then can do miracles for your body, but (as I have experienced in my own practice) they can also do miracles on a psychological, and even an emotional level.

It is said that one who can learn to master sirsasana (headstand) can learn to conquer his or her fears. The first time I read this, I immediately ran to my mat and attempted the king of all poses. Sure, I ended up slamming down onto the floor, but I felt so joyous at the fact that I had attempted such a feat, me the fearful child, that it didn’t matter to me.

The second my feet were above my head (before I slammed into the ground, of course) I knew that I was ready for a change. I knew, somehow, that I was going to look fear in the eye, and gently push right past it.

And so, heart pudding, breath catching, palms sweating, and stomach knotting up, I tried once more. And I continued to try day after day, month after month, year after year, until one day, up I went, and up I stayed. I was so excited, I ran to get my camera (I had to document the triumphant moment in case the little yogic fairies decided to come in the middle of the night and take my new super power away form me) set the automatic timer, and assumed sirsasana pose until my heart was content.

Ever since then, I have noticed just how big of a mental and emotional achievement this was for me. Sure, I needed to work on arm and core strength, along with some breath control and leg control, but for me, the real challenge was to actually allow myself to look past the fear (fear of injury, fear of pain, fear of inadequacy, fear of humiliation, fear of abandonment, etc) and simply trust that I would survive it all.

And the bigger challenge was to allow that lesson to transfer off my mat and into my daily life. It was a learning game. A game where every time my feet were up in the air, where they are “not meant” to be, I could take some time to think of how differently my world would look like if I stopped putting it in a box. If I stopped judging and making assumptions and anticipating.

Every inversion brought about a new opportunity to see myself under a different light, a chance to change my perspective of my entire universe, and so, I fell in love with inversions. Until I met Adho Mukha Vrksasana (headstand) and this inversion had a whole new set of fears attached to it. Fear of falling, fear of breaking my nose, fear of not being good enough, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of self-sacrifice, and on and on. And every time I practice Adho Mukha Vrksasana, though not yet mastered, I am receiving a gift; a chance to begin to heal and change all kinds of fears with in me. Fears I am aware of, and fears still unknown. But I am able to approach them all gently, and move right past them, one at a time. And it is all because I was willing to look at my universe in an unconventional way.

Are you willing to change your perspective?

  

“Maybe the only thing each of us can see is our own shadow…” “… Not the exact image, but everything reversed or upside down.”

Chuck Palahniuk

“The world is wrong side up. It needs to be turned upside down in order to be right side up. "

  Billy Sunday