Do Not Anticipate

By now, I think you have all heard me say time and time again, how much yoga has changed my life and how grateful I am for all that I have learned, and yet, the really beautiful thing about life and about yoga, is that we never stop learning, we never stop growing and we are never ever above change.

The last few weeks, I have been learning something new in my yoga practice and in my life in general. It began one morning as I moved through the primary series. This series and I have had a love hate relationship in the past, but today, I am head over heels, madly in love with my ashtanga practice, and I thank God every day for it.

But this particular morning, as I moved from pose to pose, I began to notice something. I wasn’t counting fully to five and then moving to the next pose, I was breathing and counting to 4, and when I knew that 5 was coming, I began to transition to the next asana. I tried to remedy it and continue, and just as I had made it to the floor for dandasana, I realized, I was thinking way ahead. I was in dandasana, my bandhas were engaged, and the breath and gaze were steady, but my mind was skipping ahead to the next couple of poses. I inhaled and lifted my chin up, and took a second before moving into the first forward fold and decided to change something. I was going to change my anxiety of the poses to come into presence of mind. The problem was, it was easier said than done.

When my practice ended, and I went on with the rest of my day, I decided to try to stay present and stop anticipating. So, the day started out great, and before you know it, a sharp pain on my toe indicated that I would be in need to go to the foot doctor; and all my intention of non-anticipation, went out the window.

Exactly a year ago, I had been forced to pay a visit to the foot doctor due to a hugely embarrassing, can’t believe it happened to me, ingrown toe-nail. (yes, you can go right ahead and think it, YUCK! And for those of you who have been, ahem, blessed enough to experience this your selves, yes, OUCH!)

So, subconsciously, I began to do exactly what I have been training my poor body to do in these circumstances, I panicked with the full on fear of anticipation.

My palms got sweaty, I entered a stage of denial and I ignored the poor toe for a few more days, sustaining, though knowing better, that this was only a mild infection, and it would heal if I kept soaking it and cleaning it every day. However, by the 4^th day, the true concern and reality of it all set in. I asked my dear mother and sister in-law about it, and they both said it might be time, then I asked one of my dearest yoga teachers, and she said much the same, so; I resigned my self to the fact that this was happening. No more hiding the truth little me, it was time to make a call.

And so I did. I called the doctor, and made an appointment, and began to panic internally because I knew what was going to happen, and I knew how much it was going to hurt, I was in full anticipation mode, and full story mode (you know, that place where you tell your self something is so just because you have perceived it to be so in the past; like thinking that just because you stubbed your toe on your mom’s end table once, it will keep happening if you so much as look at the darn thing; that story mode)

So, the day went by and I kept trying to breathe, and meditate and focus on my practice, but the second I stopped meditating, or ended my practice, the reality set in again, and I began to panic all over again.

The morning of the consult, I did some restorative to calm my nerves and headed over to the doctor’s office with my mom (I told you I knew what was coming, and heck, I wanted backup). As soon as the nurse took a look at my toe she had a look in her eye that said, “oh, you poor girl, here you go again” and my heart sank to the floor. Then the doctor came in, and with out even inspecting the toe in a detailed manner, announced, the nail is in-grown, it must come out. So, she sits down, and before she even touches my foot, I begin to get light headed. My body was frozen, my mind, and soul, trapped by a memory of the same doctor performing the same surgery on the same toe a freaking year ago! In my mind, the pain was already there, and so, when she finally began, all the memories of the pain, plus the actual pain of what was happening and what had happened seemed to meld together in a perfect symphony of real and fabricated pain that culminated with my embarrassing near fainting.

My mom was worried, the doctor had to help me lie down, the nurse gave me some water and put some cold compresses on my neck and forehead while studiously pointing out how pale I was, and then, it hit me. I had sabotaged myself in this moment, much the same way I had been sabotaging myself while practicing a few mornings back.

Except, instead of anticipating breaths and asanas, I was anticipating pain; so when what was happening in the moment happened, I had dragged a pre-conceived notion of what it was going to be like with me and made things a hundred times worse than they needed to be.

As the doctor sat there telling me I should never even think about having children because I probably will never be able to handle the pain (hey! Don’t anticipate on my behalf lady haha) I began to ponder (funny how after I started doing yoga these little cathartic moments and lessons are just so clear to me form time to time) and look back on certain things in my life, and I began to realize how adept I had become in the art of anticipation.

As a child, if I ever took a tumble, I would anticipate a repeat, and would therefore, be extra cautious, and, honestly a scardy cat about it, and most likely avoid that thing again (which is why it took me so long to learn how to ride a bike, and why I have not been rollerblading in years)

Then, I started to create stories in my head, and think them to be facts about life, so, some kids in school shunned me for being fat; but the second I drastically lose weight due to a triple case of salmonella (yup, not fun to come close to death either) I am queen of the school? So in my mind, I made up this story that therefore, being fat was evil, and I needed to find a way to remain thin forever; no matter the cost, lest I be shunned again. Also, due to the salmonella, I became quite scared of stomach related issues. I was in such a state of anticipation about the whole thing repeating again, that I thought a small case of whatever meant death; and so I was super terrified to ever get any kind of stomach problem. (I am over that now, but you get the idea)

A tragedy happened, and I would tell myself (subconsciously) to anticipate the same outcome every time should something similar even hint at happening again.

My heart was broken, and I decided all relationships would end badly; but was proven wrong thanks to the amazing love my husband has provided. Seriously, I anticipated things to be so terribly wrong in the end, that he had to fight for me for years before I became present to the fact that our love was solid and we were going to be ok.

[Think; can you see this happening in your life? Have you been through something and then kept anticipating the same exact result in an entirely different moment and/or time?]

So, the doctor finished and I went home feeling silly and decided to make it an even bigger point to become present and stop anticipating, both in life and in my practice.

So, the very next day, when I unrolled my mat and began my practice, I became aware of the anticipation, kindly patted it in the head, and pushed it aside, and remained present. I started with the little things, like fear that the toe would hurt if I did x, y or z; instead of fearing and anticipating this, I gently moved through the practice, and through each breath and pose moment to moment, if something hurt, I would adjust in that moment, not before. I would not think 3 or 4 poses ahead, but instead, took to holding certain poses longer than usual (like warrior 2 for about a minute and so on) and to not anticipating the exit of the pose but experience all the sensations that the pose brought forth, all of them, happy and comfy as well as intense and shaky.

And honestly, this little practice of cutting anticipation off before it becomes a full on panic attack, and the presence of mind that come with practicing and trying to live this way as much as possible have made a huge difference in my life.

It is always said to live moment to moment, and you can say this all day long, but until you can find a way to gently stop anticipating; the presence of the moment will elude you. You have to be able to let go of the past and future influences and open up one hundred percent to the present moment in order to love, live, and exist fully.

"You got to let go of the stuff from past - because it just doesn't matter! The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now." PO Kungfu panda 2

Delicious Portobello, Kale and Squash Blossoms Quesadilla

I love mushrooms, I adore Kale, and I have recently gotten very into squash blossoms, so, after a lovely afternoon swim, my belly was asking for a special kind of quesadilla; and it was not disappointed in the least! :) Hope you like it:

What you will need:

1 large Portobello

handful squash blossoms (in this case I used about a fist full of picked ones that I had around the house, ready to go, but id you want to use fresh ones, go for it)

4 leaves of lacinato kale, chopped

½ a cup of curly kale chopped

1 tbsp earth balance

House all purpose rub to taste (if you don’t have a pre-prepared rub, don’t fret, all it is is pepper, salt and garlic powder, super simple to make your own)

½ a cup of daiya cheddar cheese

½ a lime

1 or more corn tortillas

What to do:

Start by thoroughly cleaning your veggies and drying them off properly. Then chop the kale and mushroom (and even the squash blossoms if they are fresh).

In a medium size skillet, add the mushrooms and earth balance and cook for 5 to six minutes, or until the mushrooms look cooked. Then add the lacinato kale and the rub and cook for another 2 minutes, or until the leaves are a little soft. Then add the curly kale and cook for 3 minutes, or, once more until the leaves look soft and well cooked.

Next add the daiya cheese and let it melt.

Warm the tortillas up over the stove, turning them around occasionally in order to keep them from burning (it shouldn’t take more than a minute tops) {also, you can use a conventional oven if you would rather heat them up this way}

Pour contents of the skillet into a bowl and serve desired amount onto the tortilla.

Pair with a glass of cold coconut water, and I guarantee you will be in heaven.

Simple Ear Pasta with Veggies

So one of the perks of being a vegetarian is being able to enjoy nutritious veggies at any time in any dish imaginable! So, while my amazing hubby creates a little pasta with sausage (I know, ew, sausage, blech), I am amping my pasta up with a ton of nutrients and flavor ;) Hope you enjoy this easy dish.






What you will need:

1 bag of organic pasta (in this case, ear shaped)
1/2 cup red kale
1/2 cup spinach, arugula mix
pomodoro sause (ok, ok, I was lazy so I bought the pre-made organic kind)
handful daiya cheese or mozzarella cheese
dash salt
water

What to do:

Fill a stock pot 3/4 of the way and then bring to a boil. Once the water is boiling, add the pasta and allow to cook until al dente. When the pasta is ready, drain and set a side.
In a separate sauce pan, add the pomodoro sauce and the dash of salt (or salt to taste), then bring this to a simmer and add mixture to the pasta.
In a separate pan, add your veggies until they become soft, and then add the pasta and cheese.
Serve, and eat :) Enjoy!

Steady to Faithfulness

Amazing how easy it is for us to be happy, content and even stronger in our faith when things are nice and easy isn’t it? When all is calm and things are going our way, and there is nothing but smooth sailing ahead, we tend to be 100% loyal and devoted to our faith. We praise God, we speak of how blessed we are and how no matter what, we know we are loved and that everything will be ok; because we have faith.

We even have the gall to tell people to be more like us, in so many words, and never lose faith as they go through their own trials and tribulations (while inwardly judging them for being so weak minded and weak spirited as to have doubted or let go of faith all together).

We speak words of deceiving consolation, like “everything will work itself out” and “all things happen for a reason” (words which, though true, may not bear any weight if we do not fully grasp their meaning our selves)

And yet, there on the horizon, a storm is always brewing, getting ready to attack our little ship. And I find, particularly in my case, that the second the storm thrashes us about, we get immediately disoriented. We lose all faith, and we clamor out against whomever, or whatever we believed so firmly in until we got hit by lightning. All words of consolation (the ones we may have uttered while trying to console others but which we never knew the real meaning of) slip from our minds, all feeling of safety and steadiness drifts away from us, and then the despair sets in. Clawing at us with sharp talons that are able to pierce through our entire being because we were not properly protected against them. (Where does our “faith” armor go then? Or just how weak was it to begin with?)

Over the years, I have had my fare share of storms, and though I have survived all of them, I admit, I did not act quite as steady and composed as I would have liked through all of them. (Nor do I think this to be possible 100% of the time being that we are, after all, human to the bone, and we are prone to unsteadiness and doubt every now and then). However, it is only now, through the practice of yoga, that I have been able to learn something new. I have learned to ground down, breathe and open up through the wonderful, the painful, the lonely, the scary, the known, and the unknown.

Now, I am not saying I am, by all means, a super hero, and that nothing bothers me, or that I no longer get sad, depressed or even lose faith now and then. But what I am saying is that I am learning (as I shall never stop learning) all these things are in existence with in me. I am learning, that I can chose how to approach any situation in life and I am learning that it is this approach that makes all the difference.

It is a wonder to me, really, that it has taken me quite this long to figure this out, because all my life, I have been witness to this very concept all around me. But hey, sometimes we are too wrapped up in our own little insecure worlds to take a look around and learn something rather than judge something, aren’t we.

But I digress, yes, I had been privy to this kind of steadiness from the moment I was born. You see, every member in my family has mastered this little steadiness to one degree or another, and frankly, I could go on for another thousand pages detailing how my oldest brother has become an incredible man by withstanding trials and tribulations many would have succumbed to, or how the love and faithfulness of my younger brother and his wife healed my very soul, or how the rock solid faith of the middle of these three brothers of mine has helped him look as a rock-star for God in my mind, or how my amazing husband has managed to simply take it all in and become a sanctuary when all around him, things were crumbling apart (things like me, mind you). Ahem, like I said, there are stories, upon stories I could tell you about, but since that would simply take too long, I will rely upon my very best example of fortitude and steadiness from which there can arise a powerful faith, and that is my mother.

I can say with confidence, that you will rarely get the privilege to meet a woman quite as implacable and strong in her faith as she is. The woman has been a fighter from the very day she was born (much like myself in that sense, come to think of it) and she has never once given up (well, ok, she is human, so she may have given up once or twice, but I certainly never saw this, so it may have been in her youth, when we all have dreadfully unsteady grasps on reality). Even in the darkest, hardest of times, this woman so precious to all of us, managed to not only keep the ship afloat, more often than not with all of us in it mind, but she also managed to do this with all the steadiness and equilibrium of a true yogi (or a really talented aerial acrobat at least).

She managed, from a very young age, to know that it is ok to sit with all that is, the good, the bad and the in between, and allow all of it to create a beautifully strong flower. (the proverbial, and often favorite reference of mine, the lotus rising from the mud in a gloriously triumphant burst of life and love).

And, although I had seen this growing up, it is only now that I realize how vital this steadiness is to us all. Matter of fact, it is only now I realize where I must have began to learn it all. Way before yoga, way before philosophy, or school, or even way before I could fully grasp even the simplest concepts of life, her example and the examples of all the wonderful members in my family led me to this point in my life.

And there is something particularly interesting to me about this concept of steadiness that I have been exploring on and off my mat this week, and that is the fact that steadiness rooted in our faith that we are exactly who and as we are meant to be at any given present moment, creates an unimaginable openness.

See the thing is, we tend to think, and you may have felt this as you read my description of the pillar of courage that is my mother, that in order to be steadily grounded in your faith, you have to be strong. (And no, I don’t mean like, Hulk strong, I mean the kind of “strong” we hear about when people tell us not to show weakness, to keep it all in and to just be strong. That is the kind of fake strength that I think most of us think about when it comes to being steady and faithful) But the truth is, real faith, real steadiness and awareness brings with it all the openness you can find in a baby’s tears when he/she genuinely just needed to release an emotion he/she did not want to store inside. [mini side note – funny thing about babies is, not only do they know how to use their bodies, breath and focus better than we do, they also know it is not healthy to store things inside, lest they get sick, which is kind of what we do, we sweep it all under that proverbial rug, and then we are sick…. And I digress again]

So, you see, the thing about learning to be present with in the storm, the calm and even the in between of it all means we have to be open enough to grace to let it all create enough healing energy inside us that we can grow from it all, so that we can bloom and shine and continue to live in a faithful manner.

So next time the storm assails your ship, take a moment to ground down, breathe, and open up to grace, and I can tell you, it will make all the difference in the world.

“Those who seek to acquire steadiness of faith must first acquire the strength to bear grief and pain, insult and injury. The succession of joy and grief must help confirm the faith and make it immovable. That alone can evidence true devotion.”

Sri Sathya Sai Baba quotes

Approaching Your Fear With Love and Openness

From a very young age, we are told to be brave and in some cases, we are even told to hold our emotions in and show strength in font of our peers. (Like when a family member passes away or three is a loss in the family)
Of course, like most things in life, this is sound advise when we realize that there is a flip side to the coin. When we are able to approach both sides of life, and embrace them both equally.
The problem comes, when we are so focused on only one side of the coin. When we are so completely focused staying strong and being brave that we end up drowning all our emotions out and putting up a front that exudes false courage. (This is what sometimes makes it impossible for people to cry, even when they should be able to; when they are grieving) [This is also what creates further stress in our bodies, allowing all kinds of sicknesses to prevail]
And the reason I am writing this today, is the fact that I am constantly amazed by the things I can learn on my yoga mat. And this morning, one of those things was that fear is ok when approached with love and openness. I came face to face with the fact that it is ok to face and embrace our fears, and be vulnerable, and just be totally and completely open and courageous to face those fears and allow our selves to grow from this place. [I like to use the analogy of a lotus flower, growing out of the mud and turning into a beautiful, resplendent flower a lot; and that is exactly what comes to mind here. This is why we sit with our selves every day, this is the reason we open our hearts and beings to both the light and shadow parts of our lives; so we can blossom into that beautiful flower]
And accepting this place of vulnerability and openness, allows us to see our selves as we truly are. Not a reflection of what some one else may think of us, or even a muddled reflection of who we maybe thought we might be; but a true reflection of our purest self, our purest essence, beautiful just as it is.
And in order to embrace our selves in this manner -fears and emotions and imperfections and all- we have to be able to approach our selves with love and a lack of resistance, or a lack of aggressive fight. And this, may seem a little confusing, because when we think of facing our fears (well, at least in my mind) we immediately think of our selves wielding a huge arsenal of weapons, and stepping into the darkness to destroy, or "slay" that dragon called fear. But the truth is, there is a stronger power still, in approaching that "dragon" with abhaya mudra (Abhaya in Sanskrit means fearlessness, and the abhaya mudra symbolizes protection, peace, and the dispelling of fear.) A mudra which is not aggressive, it isn't a fighting stance or a representation of a bow ready to open fire on some invisible force; on the contrary, it is a protective gesture of the purest nature. It is a gesture that indicates peace; a gesture that actually looks (to us in the West) more like a "stop" gesture. But see, we can not have the peace and strength we need to approach our fears with this "gesture" or feeling if we do not believe in who we are, if we do not accept that we are always going to have to sit with both, the shadow and the light; if we forget that forcing a fear to go away, may instead drain us of the energy needed to tell the fear to simply stop existing. {And although this is dorky, I have to say this makes me think of Gandalf the Grey, stepping in front of the creature of shadow and fire and simply telling him "You shall not pass" he was effecting this mudra in a way, by simply stopping that fear right where it was. He wasn't trying to slay him in that moment, he was simply telling him to stop}
Ahem... but I digress...
So, you see, in order to face your fears, and stop them, you need to be open to who you are (this part actually may be cause for fear all on its own actually) you have to be loving and ready to embrace every part of your being, both light and dark. And you have to be open to the fact that you are simply opening up, and this may mean that your emotions will show (nullifying that idea to constantly "be strong" or "put on a strong facade") and you have to know that all of that is perfectly alright.
You have to know that you will be able to break out of the mud and flourish, but you have to be willing to face your fears (and your self) first.
Because it is the courage to face your self and your fears on this level, that truly allow you to blossom, to conquer that "dragon" to become victorious and ultimately to be simply extraordinary.
So next time you are afraid, or want to keep all of your emotions locked away so no one knows what is going on inside you, remember; open up to who you are, and embrace it all; use your abhaya mudra, and stop so that you can continue to blossom out of the mud. :)

Loka Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu  

Spicy Shroom Sauté

Ok. Today felt like a mushroom day :) And, since my mom and I had just bought some king trumpet mushrooms along with some Shimeji mushrooms, we decided to sauté a bit.

What you will need:

4 to 5 king trumpet mushrooms (roughly sliced)
2 1/2 zucchini (chopped into medium size squares)
1 clove of garlic (chopped)
1/2 an onion (chopped)
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 Serrano pepper (de-seeded and finely chopped)
salt and pepper to taste
1 tbsp earth balance butter (unless you need to use a bit more)
1/2 cup spinach
dash of dill

What to do:

In a sauté pan, add the earth balance, the onions and the garlic. Allow to simmer on medium heat until lightly brown.
Then add the mushrooms, zucchini, salt and pepper, dill, soy sauce and serrano pepper. Cook until the veggies are nice and soft. (About 10 to 15 minutes) Then add the spinach and cook for another 3 minutes.

Serve, and enjoy :) Hope you like it as much as we did.

Why Yoga?

A little more than a year ago, while visiting my family in TN, my adorable nephew, intrigued by the fact that I spent every morning doing yoga while every one else had breakfast, asked me, "Aunt Jo, why do you do yoga?" And; I didn't know exactly why, but the question unnerved me.
Sure, it is a simple enough question; but I suddenly felt all the blood drain from my face, and all I could really tell my lovable nephew was that I was doing yoga to get healthy. To which he smiled and quickly walked back downstairs, obviously satisfied by my answer.
I, on the other had, was neither ready to go downstairs at that moment (feeling disoriented as I was), nor was I satisfied with the answer I provided but I could not for the life of me figure out why.
I later mentioned this to my oldest brother, looking, as I always am when I speak with him, for words of wisdom. But he didn't understand why i was so upset with my answer or the question, so I figured I was just overreacting, and decided to simply drop it.
The trouble was, I wasn't really able to drop it. And the little question would randomly bother me from time to time. Always leaving me out of sorts and annoyed.
This went on until a few months ago, when it finally hit me.
In order to get to the heart of it all, I needed to dig deep and realize that I was bothered by the question because:
1- I had fallen in love with yoga back in the 90's but was told (it isn't really important by whom) to stop practicing because yoga was going to lead me away from God, and I would end up involved in some weird religion. (Obviously, there was no understanding, at that time, that yoga is not really a religion and that I was not channeling demons into my body by meditating. But hey, you live, you learn, you realize the truth about things)
2-I was able to reconnect with yoga when we moved to the U.S but I was still a little afraid of what I had been previously told, so I dropped the yoga dvd, and simply opted to focus on things that would make me thinner. I went with pilates first, then diet pills and then extreme yo-yo dieting. All in the pursuit of what I had seen society deemed "acceptable" in terms of looks.
3- By the time we moved to Houston, my self esteem was in the gutter... nope, it was beyond that, it was buried deep in the abyss. And my health? Well, besides the damage done to my heart (which has been fixed, and is now in tip top shape, thank you very much surgery :) ) all the stress and starving I had put myself through gave me severe gastritis, an ulcer and all around a weak immune system and, much to my lovely husband's (then fiance's) dismay, a terrible temper.
4- While in Houston, I forgot all about yoga and all things healthy and decided to focus all my energy into looking as thin as possible so that I could be "happy" and "accepted". So, I ate nothing but meat and cheese, developed a deep hatred for fruits, veggies and carbs, and spent about 3 hours at the gym almost daily. I also tried to get involved with the fencing team, but found I was too tired, distracted and all around super insecure to be fencing. (Seriously, those who know me, know that there are few things I enjoy more than holding a sword or a bow and arrow, or a riffle, I mean, I am all about this stuff, but the second I was in a team, and realized people were looking at me, I panicked, because all I could think about was how they must be noticing how fat I looked while i tried to get the foot work down... goodness, that was terrible)
5- Then, I got married, and was the happiest woman on the planet. I was truly happy, and complete, I even forgot about dieting for a bit... unless I happened to see a picture of me that was less than flattering, then it all went to hell and poor Eric had to pick up the pieces. But I digress, the point is Eric spent all this time helping me, trying to open my eyes to reality, letting me know how much I was loved by him, and slowly, this began to cure little parts of me that had been bleeding for far too long. And when we started to work together, and the company paid for me to take "yoga" (ok, it was more like quigong but they called it yoga... long story... and to be fair, some asanas and breathing techniques were used, so it was more a combo of hatha yoga and quigong...) classes, it seemed as though things would begin to settle down. And they did. Honestly, the gastritis and ulcer disappeared and the horrid vertigo (not mentioned above, but still a nuisance) was reseeding. I was slowly starting to realize that I was a wonderful human being who was loved, beautiful and worthy. Every now and then, though, those horrid voices would bring me down, and I would have to start over. But all -in- all, it was good. But then, I stopped attending the lessons (Basically, it was all a little like a cult, like a real cult not like a dumb baseless scare like the one I was put through back in the 90's. And I was just freaked out by certain things, so I left; and not a moment too soon)[so, the quigong exercises had worked but the crazy aspects of the... cult were just too creepy]
6- I then changed jobs and had no time for any kind of physical activity. Plus I was beyond stressed, and spent pretty much every other month sick as a dog, which sucked. (although I did, get the chance to try out P90X which was cool, and box with my bff which was awesome, but also not sustainable due to time, health, etc. Not to mention, any kind of physical activity was always done in order to make me look thinner)
7- And then, my amazing big brother offered me a job, and everything changed. I suddenly had time to think, breathe, and yes, even work out. So, I decided I didn't want to be unhealthy and obsessed with my "thinness" anymore, so I finally acknowledged the fact that I had a problem... or rather, problems, and decided to learn more about nutrition. (Side note- getting to learn that carbs were not the enemy was probably the hardest thing ever) And in the process, I got a hold of Bethenny Frankel's book "Naturally Thin" and realized, I could be healthy and eat well, and let go of crazy "diets".
While I was learning more about nutrition, I also decided to get a new yoga dvd, and the second I finished the 60 min flow, I knew, I had found it. The "it" I had been looking for since way back in the day.
See, from the very first time I was introduced to yoga, I knew that this practice was meant for me. I knew that it was different and important and life changing, but I hadn't had a chance to give it a real chance until that moment. And I was simply blown away.
That being said, I was still (and still can be) a mess, and had not let go of my hatred of my self completely. I was still sure that I would never be anyone of importance if I was not thin and I was using yoga to get a long and lean body, that I swore would land me more roles and ultimately make me a better person.
A little later, I noticed the peace I had acquired through practice and meditation, and I was glad I had found the practice, but was still holding on to the physical side of the practice, which is also why I spent one hour doing cardio in the morning, then an hour of yoga and an hour of belly dancing to end things (yes i used to wake up at 5am... no more haha) {and this is why I was tired during class, when I finally found a yoga studio to attend}   
I then visited my nephew, and his question jarred me because I was practicing in an incomplete manner. I was focusing only on the physical side of the practice, and semi-dabbling on the mental/spiritual part by meditating for about 10 minutes a day. So, see, the problem was not the question but all that lied beneath the surface of the question. And I was the only one who could get to the bottom of that well, which is probably why my brother thought it was weird that I was thrown by this innocent inquiry.
After this question, a trip to the Dominican Republic and an angel both saved me (you can read about this story in my past posts if you haven't already)
Anyhow, after a few more months, things began to change slowly. I no longer hated myself, I was able to recognize the "negative" voices and gently push them aside. I was also able to sit with the shadow and the light of my practice and my day to day (with some tougher days than others, after all, I am human and I still do and still will have my ups and downs when it comes to this stuff. But it will never be as horrible as it was, I will not let it get that way anymore) I also suddenly became aware of how my body really needed to be nurtured and began to slowly crave more and more plant-based foods. I developed more ahimsa for myself, my practice and all beings around me. I feel connected to myself for the first time in years and I finally know me. I know who I am, what I am worth, and I love my self every day, at every moment, just as I am... even when I doubt a little, I still can find my way back, which is better than never being able to do so, the way it used to be.
I have been growing tremendously over the past years, and months and I owe it all to God, because he has protected me all my life and because he has allowed me to connect with this yoga of mine. This union. This wholeness and this life. (I could literally spend about 40 pages describing the amazing ways in which this yoga of mine has changed my life for the better. But I think this blog is long enough already, so maybe some other time I shall go into detail)

So, why yoga?
Because yoga is my natural state.
 And the more I nurture this eight limbed tree of mine, the more I become alive, and the more I am exactly me at every moment, just as I am; a little lotus flower, pushing her way out from the mud to shine her light and spread her love over the world.

"You cannot do yoga. Yoga is your natural state. What you can do are yoga exercises, which may reveal to you where you are resisting your natural state."-- Sharon Gannon