Ground Down, Open Up and Listen

I think it is safe to say all men on earth and all women too, actually, have experienced one or more variations of the scenario bellow:

Man: Were you wearing those jeans yesterday?

Woman: Are you calling me dirty?!

Man: What? No, I…

Woman: Oh, so you’re saying I’m fat…

Man: … what the…

Woman:. …you’re calling me fat because you know these are my “fat” jeans and I have been wearing them a lot lately….

Mam: … actually….

Woman: …. well if I have gained weight it is your fault!

Man: huh?

Woman: You are always taking me out to these restaurants and making me eat like a pig, so it is your fault I put on weight! And for the record, I know how fat I am ok, so you don’t need to bring it up!

Man: (inner dialogue) wtf! I actually like those jeans on her…. Crazy!

Admit it, we have all, at one point or another jumped to conclusions.

We have basically “heard” what the other person said from an ungrounded, closed off point of view.

We have allowed our selves to believe the lie that everyone is out to get us, regardless of who they may be, so when we are having a conversation that is not “safe” (like not talking about the tv shows we watch or how Brad and Angie are so cute together) we automatically enter the conversation prepared to attack should the need arise.

We have believed for so long that everything is about us and that people are always out to get us, criticize us, and undermine us, that we have started to believe this lie and have taken the unconscious decision to enter honest conversations ready for combat when in reality, there is no war to be waged, only listening to be done.

I am the very best at this. I am the top fighter and the top assumer out there. Sure, a lot of it stems from my ego, as it constantly tells me the world revolves around me and all comments, thoughts, conversations or actions are about me, and therefore, when someone cuts me off while driving, it isn’t that they are not paying attention or are in a rush to get wherever, it is a personal attack on me, and so, my mind goes, “that *^%##, he/she totally cut me off on purpose!” or if I go to dinner and someone glances in my direction more than once, I think, “Do I look ugly? Why are they staring at me? They are totally criticizing me” while all the while, people are allowed to look wherever they want, including the television set behind my head, and yeah, even my lovely self, and think or say whatever they want. Of course, as stated in a previous blog, if I feel judged, it is because I am judging others myself, but I digress.

The other part to this situation, is that, because we have so many thoughts, assumptions, anticipations and pre-conceived notions about life running though our heads on a daily basis, we tend to allow ourselves to become scattered, and ungrounded. We forget to take a moment to breath and really ground down, and instead, we allow a parade of thoughts to prance through our brains at any given time, in absolute chaos.

So it is no wonder when someone asks about the weather, we jump down their throats. We have allowed ourselves to get caught in the stream of ideas and in doing so, we have cut off our ability to listen and understand what the other person (who also has their ungrounded self to deal with mind you) is truly trying to say to us.

We have also become completely closed off. Try to become aware of your physical self the next time you are in a heated conversation. What I have noticed is, my body will tense up, my shoulders will rise to meet my ears, my arms will cross and my fists will contract, as if ready to punch someone. These are all physical manifestations of an internal state. When you have allowed yourself to become so completely closed off to any kind of input from other people in fear that you are being attacked, you allow yourself to go a step further, and close off outwardly as well, and this reaction, triggers the same kind of closed off, aggressive reaction in others, because now they feel threatened; and so the cycle continues.

So what we need to work on, and I am at the top of the list here, is grounding down, opening up, and listening. Truly listening, not assuming we know what is being said, because nine times out of then, we do not.

I find that my body, mind and spirit learn lessons together, and so, what I have been doing to better comprehend this little tid-bit has been spending lots of time working on opposing forces on the mat. I have been working on rooting down while at the same time opening up, which feels like two opposing actions, but when combined, can bring forth an incredible array of freedom and opportunity.

At the same time, it is important to be able to take these lessons off the mat, so I am trying to find a way to ground down when I am feeling adrift in a sea of assumption, anticipation, judgment, and disconnect.

It isn’t easy, and it can sometimes feel a little strange and off-putting (like grounding down through the legs as you stand at the top of your mat and at the same time goal post your arms to find a deep, grounded back-bend) but it is necessary because conversations are critical to our interactions with others. And if we don’t find some time to ground down, and release our “stories” about what is being said, while at the same time opening up to the possibility that no one is out to get us and that what is being said is not meant as an attack; we will never be able to listen properly, and we will be adrift, closed off and in constant strife with those around us.

What if, the next time you were having a conversation that was being taken over by your stories, you took a second to take a breath, ground down (a.k.a let go of what you think is being said and instead pay attention to what is being said with out assigning meaning to it) and open up (meaning, allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough in a conversation that your immediate reaction is not to attack or defend your self but to pay attention and receive the true intention of what the other person is saying to you) and finally listen to what is being said.

How much nicer would your conversation be? How many arguments, or fights would you prevent? How much happier would you and everyone around you be?

Will it be easy, heck no! the best things in life never are. Will you forget? Sure! You are human and you can not help but become ungrounded every now and then, but, if you can begin to at least become aware of the fact that you are ungrounding, closing off and not listening, then you would have at least taken a step in the right direction. And the more you practice, the better you will become at it, and the more you will be able to listen. And who knows, maybe there will come a day where you will no longer go to your story mode, maybe there will come a day when you automatically ground, and open and listen.

Until then, practice, practice, practice.

Namaste

When it Rains, Open

I have discovered something interesting about my practice, well, ok, I should say, I have discovered yet another interesting aspect to my practice, because lets face it, there are too many lessons to be learned on the mat, and each one is a powerful gift. This new little gem I have uncovered is the ability to open up when the storm is at it’s worst.

You see, I have noticed a pattern in my teaching; whenever the weather is gloomy, rainy, and even torrential, most people, my self-included will desperately want to curl up under the covers and disappear for a while. And it is a natural response, but the funny thing is that every single time the weather has been “unpleasant” while I have had the honor of teaching somewhere, I have refused to teach comforting, safe, or sheltered poses (a.k.a no child’s pose, no kurmasana, no happy baby, you get the idea)

It is not that I don’t like these poses, because quite frankly, I think I could live in most of them forever, especially in kurmasana, and be perfectly content. I don’t actually know if I can’t explain where the feeling came from, but from the very first time I was blessed to teach during a rainy day, I knew what my students really needed was the opposite from what they wanted. So, I have gotten into the habit of teaching loads of heart openers, hip openers, shoulder openers and core related poses to my students on these days.

The initial response from most students is that of resistance. They all tense up when they hear the words hips, shoulders and heart because at that moment all they really want to do is be safe, and comfortable. The last thing they are looking for is a confrontation with the “self” (which is very common in these poses, especially all the hip openers) nor are they seeking release. No, all they want is a nice hot cup of hot cocoa and a movie to watch as they curl up under their beds and wait for the “storm” to pass.

But no such luck in my class little yogis, all I have done during these days is bring you up close and personal to all those little things you need to let go of in order to grow and bloom like the lovely little lotus flowers that you are.

You may think this is rather cruel of me, and considering my previous statement (where I confess I have no clue where this impulse comes from) you may also think I am a tad delusional and probably need to spend less time meditating and more time grounding down to earth and reality. However, you would be wrong.

I am not torturing my students, nor am I seeking to get them to (please excuse this horrid choice of words, as I know they are revolting) “get their work out in” (ew, I absolutely hate saying those words when it comes to yoga… eek… but, back to the topic at hand). I am, in fact, doing quite the opposite.

I am seeking ways to allow my students to really make a body/mind/spirit connection. And as a result, I am trying to break them out of their comfort zone and allow them to view the world from a different angle, because, lets face it, the world never looks quite as resplendent or awesome as it does when you have seen it though fresh eyes. And the thing about being able to see the world through fresh eyes is that you are unable to do so when you have been staring at the same thing, from the same spot, for years, and years.

That is where the gloom comes in, because the truth is, if all our life was filled with sunshine and rainbows, we would never in a million years be able to see anything differently. We would never be able to grow or learn, we would take things for granted and imagine that our perspective was all that existed and mattered in this world. If all we had in our lives was sunshine, lollipops and unicorns, then we would be stuck in lame, closed off and safe limbo for life. We would have no reason to do hip, heart, or shoulder releasing asanas, all we would do all day would be comfort and ground and rest. What kind of boring, stuck on first gear life would that be?

I know, I know, it seems like I am over exaggerating but think about how amazing your trials and tribulations are. Think about how horrible the earth would be with no rain, with no thunder, no chaos, no chance for regeneration and rebirth and order and creation.

How horrible would it be for you to never learn a lesson, to never be able to say, I have discovered something new about myself and my world because of my trials and tribulations, and have become a better being for it.

If we were closed off to our trials and tribulations, if all we did was run away from them and hide and seek shelter when the going got tough, instead of riding out the storm and learning to grow from all that seems to be so horrible in our lives, where would we be? Who would we be?

We have to find that balance in our lives, we have to be able to say, this hurts, this is terrifying, this makes me want to cry and scream and run for the hills, but I will be open to the fact that it is necessary and it is changing me for the better.

We cannot get stuck in the mud when things are unpleasant. We cannot become a lovely lotus flower if all we do is dig deeper into the mud. We cannot get stuck and trapped and we cannot give up just because it is too painful to keep going, or because the storm is so daunting we think we will never survive it.

What if every person who ever had his or her heart broken remained stuck in that pain forever? What if all they did day after day, year after year was mull over the pain, and cower at the thought of it becoming worse or replicating? What if no one ever realized that enduring tragedy was an opportunity for greatness, or that remaining open to all that surrounds us, scares us, and sometimes even hurts us was a beautiful gem in disguise.

If we stay closed off to all that life brings us, be it good, seemingly bad, joyful, painful, exhilarating or terrifying, we would never in a million years be able to say that we are alive. Because life is not all pink, life is all shades of light and dark, and everything in between. With out bitterness, all the sweetness in the world would be meaningless, with out rain no amount of sunshine would ever be worth taking in. And with out strife, and pain, and fear, life would have absolutely no joy, no courage, no passion, no inspiration, no love, it would be devoid of it all, and it would not be life, it would be nothing.

So, why do I take my students on a journey of opening when it is raining and all they want to do is seek comfort? Because comfort does not engender growth. Comfort, leaves no room for faith, or courage, or playfulness. Comfort only leads back to where it started, it does not move, it does not breathe life into you, it just makes you feel relatively safe right where you were when you started your journey.

And the loveliest part about these classes is that at the end of their journey, the students are able to leave the studio lighter, more radian and more alive than when they came in. They become able to look the storm in the eye, open up to whatever it may bring (with out letting the storm push them down) and blossom just a little bit more.

So now the question becomes, can you take that off the mat? Can you remember to open up when things are gloomy? Can you allow your self to bloom?

It won’t be an easy process, I can promise you it will be tough, and there will be times when opening up may be so tough, you may not manage it, but if you can remember to try to open up, even the littlest bit, you will have already made a huge change, and you will be just a tad more alive and a tad more free than you would have been, had you remained in your comfort zone.

 NAMASTE

Invert Your Fears

As a child, I was the typical kid who lived life in a constant state of terror. You know the kind of kid I’m talking about, that little kid who always refuses to try new things, climb trees, do cart-wheels, stand on their head, ride roller-coasters, play sports, etc. The kind of kid who spends most of his or her time reading a book or, gulp, watching television. (Yes, I know, I know, I spent most of my childhood watching movies and television shows, but hey, I was terrified of the world, cut me some slack…. And lets be completely honest here, I am very into stories so don’t expect me to put those books or movies down anytime soon…ahem, I digress…)

Yup, that little wimp was me. In fact, that little wimp is still me in so very many ways.

Not that I don’t enjoy a good roller-coaster now-a-days or that I can’t fathom the idea of trying something new; but, in falling in love with my yoga practice I have discovered a plethora of things that I am still terrified of.

And since the list is too long for one blog, lets begin by focusing on one big, huge terrifying element in my life.

INVERSIONS.

Yup, those wonderful inversions that so many relish, adore and master in a matter of what may seem like mere seconds, make my heart race, my breath shorten, my stomach tighten, and my palms sweat quite a bit.

As a matter of fact, putting myself upside down on and off the mat has been quite the challenge for me. But I think I am beginning to see the value of it little by little.

For starters, putting yourself upside down every now and then can do miracles for your body. There have been plenty of studies and articles detailing the many wonderful things that can come from simply allowing yourself to be upside down for a while.

In the practice of yoga, we notice that, when done properly, and with awareness, people who practice inversions experience a number of benefits. People who normally can’t to relax find a great release when placing themselves upside down, some people experience relief in their backs, some others feel energized, and some others feel an increase in clarity (due to the increased blood flow to some essential glands and cells in the brain).

Inversions are believed to increase the cardiovascular, respiratory, endocrine and lymphatic systems, and they are also attributed with keeping people looking young in some cases.

Either way you look at it, inversions can do wonders for your body. But what is truly astounding to me is the way inversions can help change you from the inside.

As I stated earlier, putting yourself upside down every now and then can do miracles for your body, but (as I have experienced in my own practice) they can also do miracles on a psychological, and even an emotional level.

It is said that one who can learn to master sirsasana (headstand) can learn to conquer his or her fears. The first time I read this, I immediately ran to my mat and attempted the king of all poses. Sure, I ended up slamming down onto the floor, but I felt so joyous at the fact that I had attempted such a feat, me the fearful child, that it didn’t matter to me.

The second my feet were above my head (before I slammed into the ground, of course) I knew that I was ready for a change. I knew, somehow, that I was going to look fear in the eye, and gently push right past it.

And so, heart pudding, breath catching, palms sweating, and stomach knotting up, I tried once more. And I continued to try day after day, month after month, year after year, until one day, up I went, and up I stayed. I was so excited, I ran to get my camera (I had to document the triumphant moment in case the little yogic fairies decided to come in the middle of the night and take my new super power away form me) set the automatic timer, and assumed sirsasana pose until my heart was content.

Ever since then, I have noticed just how big of a mental and emotional achievement this was for me. Sure, I needed to work on arm and core strength, along with some breath control and leg control, but for me, the real challenge was to actually allow myself to look past the fear (fear of injury, fear of pain, fear of inadequacy, fear of humiliation, fear of abandonment, etc) and simply trust that I would survive it all.

And the bigger challenge was to allow that lesson to transfer off my mat and into my daily life. It was a learning game. A game where every time my feet were up in the air, where they are “not meant” to be, I could take some time to think of how differently my world would look like if I stopped putting it in a box. If I stopped judging and making assumptions and anticipating.

Every inversion brought about a new opportunity to see myself under a different light, a chance to change my perspective of my entire universe, and so, I fell in love with inversions. Until I met Adho Mukha Vrksasana (headstand) and this inversion had a whole new set of fears attached to it. Fear of falling, fear of breaking my nose, fear of not being good enough, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of self-sacrifice, and on and on. And every time I practice Adho Mukha Vrksasana, though not yet mastered, I am receiving a gift; a chance to begin to heal and change all kinds of fears with in me. Fears I am aware of, and fears still unknown. But I am able to approach them all gently, and move right past them, one at a time. And it is all because I was willing to look at my universe in an unconventional way.

Are you willing to change your perspective?

  

“Maybe the only thing each of us can see is our own shadow…” “… Not the exact image, but everything reversed or upside down.”

Chuck Palahniuk

“The world is wrong side up. It needs to be turned upside down in order to be right side up. "

  Billy Sunday

Choose to Transform Into a State of Gratitude

Having spent the last week and a half dealing with knee issues and back issues, I have come to the not so subtle realization of the following truths about myself:

1.     I am a master complainer. Honestly, you name the topic, I am complaining about it.

2.     I really need to learn how to become less attached

Lets address the second point first.

Working on letting go of attachments is a difficult topic, and a challenge for all humans. However, it is also incredibly necessary in order to be completely happy. The more you “attach” to things, the more miserable you become (i.e. the more I attached to the asana practice, the more frustrated and miserable I became when faced with the fact that for a while, asana would have to be minimal to non-existing until I was done healing properly)

And the reason for my attachment to my asana practice, comes from the attachment to the joyous feeling I get when I realized that I (the girl who never really did anything physical for fear of ridicule, or pain) have finally been able to, over the past few years, become active, and dare I say it? Athletic…. Yikes! Even writing it down gives me a little bit of a thrill.

So, since I have become attached to this notion, and feeling, the cessation of asana made me miserable for the first few days. 

Thankfully, my lovely teacher reminded me that “being sad about not being able to practice asana is an attachment that only causes suffering”. So, I took a deep breath, let go of all my attachments regarding my asana practice, and was finally able to rest. And I confess it made a huge difference in how I felt. 

I was no longer sulky and miserable, but peaceful and receptive.

I was able to look at the situation differently and enjoy the fact that for a few days, I got a chance to meditate and work on my pranayama more than I normally do.

I was free to sleep in a bit longer, and use props to restore when I finally began to move again.

In other words, the choice I had made to release my attachment had made me free. 

Am I saying that I will never ever become attached to anything or anyone ever again? Nope, I am not perfect, I know I will continue to attach, but I also know I have the choice to let go and grow from that attachment.

As for the first point, the one about me being a huge complainer, well, that was a lovely discovery as well. And it all began a seemingly annoying morning; when, having noticed some improvement on my knees and back, I decided to hit the mat, (gently, of course).

Now, I have known for years that restorative classes are not my faves, but also, that they are very necessary, so I have been making a conscious effort to incorporate them into my practice at least once or twice a month, however, it is a struggle for me. 

Most of the time I am fighting back at every turn, and yup, you guessed it, I am internally complaining about stuff the whole time. 

That was actually what caught my attention this week.

I had spent about 8 minutes of a 10 minute supine, supported asana hold internally complaining about my legs, and how broken I felt. I went through a mental list of things that were wrong with me and then proceeded to list out things I hated about all different aspect of my life. It was around minute 8 (I could tell because my little timer had dinged for the eight time) that I started to internally complain about how unlucky I was for having knee trouble and suddenly realized what I was doing.

My breath got caught up, literally, and I realized I had wasted half my practice doing this very thing. I had been putting myself into poses for over half an hour by this point, and all I had managed to do was complain about things and get more and more frustrated because of it. So I made a conscious decision to stop the negative chatter, and turned it around. 

I thought about all the things I had been complaining about, and began to thank them and send gratitude toward them for being exactly as they should.

I moved through out the rest of the practice breaking little parts of my body down, and thanking them for being as amazing as they are. I thanked my legs, feet, arms, lungs, kidneys, eyes, ears, stomach, butt, heels, nose, mouth, shoulders, etc. Every new pose bought with it a new opportunity to be grateful to my body. And every second brought with it an opportunity to heal all the damage I had done to my very spirit for being such a negative complainer.

Class wrapped up, and the feeling of freedom, and joy that came over me during savasana was incredible. In fact, I can’t really even put it into words, all I can say is I felt like a new person, and I loved it.

So, I have been practicing off the mat to bring this same intention of gratitude out whenever I can hear or feel the negative complaint being born in me again. 

It has been a challenge, and just as with the attachment, I know that I will complain about something sometime because, yes, I am human, and yes, I can sometimes forget and get carried away. But just as before, I know that I have a choice. I can choose to complain about x,y or z, or I can choose to be grateful for those things in my life. 

Because if I am grateful for it all. The good, the seemingly bad, and the in-between, then I am truly experiencing life to the fullest.

“Choose to transform your complaint into a state of gratitude, then step back and watch how it changes your life.”

NAMASTE

Share in the Dance Little Gopies

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About a year ago, I heard one of my favorite yoga teachers narrate a beautiful love story before class; and the story has been in my mind and soul ever since.

The story talks about Krishna and Rama, as they dance through the forest and it embodies all their love and devotion for one another. The story also speaks about the dance that Krishna and Rama shared with the gopies (also known as cow headers) of the little town near by, and how completely wrapped in bliss they all were until the little gopies started to notice that they were all sharing in this joy, and got jealous; wanting to dance with Krishna all by them selves, no sharing allowed. The story then proceeds to describe how Krishna takes Rama with him and together, they live in bliss while the gopies are forced to go back home and recognize the fact that they all need to share in the dance always, and not be selfish, and the fact that if they are open to grace and love, and stay present moment to moment, their shared and personal dance with Krishna need never disappear.

And that was just it, the aspect of the story that really made me think, and that stuck with me for months and months. See I was struck by the love story, but it was the fact that at a very human level, we all tend to be little jealous gopies that really struck me.

And this fact, though very, very human, is also kind of ridiculous. See, on some level, when we are happy, we can sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, resent those who are also sharing in this dance of happiness with us. 

This is a very odd and disconcerting aspect of human beings, but never the less, I find it to be true. Just this morning, in fact I was listening to a radio host go on and on about how the fact that her best fiend was getting engaged as she was finishing her wedding preparations robbed her of complete joy. She felt offended that her friend's fiancé hadn't had the "presence of mind" (interesting use of words by the way) to wait until her wedding was over to propose to her friend! I mean she was livid! Her thunder had apparently been stolen, and she felt as though she had gone from being the belle of the ball, all eyes on her, to "oh, yeah, and she is getting married too"

I mean, I am sorry but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Not because I thought the DJ was such a loser, but because I could relate to what she was saying. Oh admit it, we can all relate. I mean, how many times have you hear a story like this? Or how many times have you, your self felt this way? I know I have been here before, and yes, I am a little embarrassed by it, but I also realize it was a very human reaction, and I can learn to see it as a part of me. No, people, do not freak out, I am not saying it is ok or that it should become a constant thing, all I am saying is that I see it, and I can now start to work on it. You know, learning to be present with your self, good, bad, ugly and in between so you can grow and shine more and more every day, yeah, that’s the kind of acceptance I found through this story about my gopie self. 

It's such a weird reaction to me, but this kind of thing happens all the time, and it only causes more and more pain, frustration, heartache, and dissatisfaction. Think about it. When was the last time that glaring at your "model" girlfriend for being so darn beautiful helped you feel better? Or the last time that wishing to be the only center of attention truly fulfilled you?

Are we so self-absorbed that all we can think about is being the one and only happy human being on earth? Have we become so ridiculously competitive that we think it is ok for our children to compete in "beauty pageants" at age 3 and then be crushed when they don't win the "grand" prize, when they could be a billion times happier playing together? When did it become the norm to begrudge someone for getting x,y or z at the same time, before or after us? Why can't we just be happy for everyone else as well as for our selves?

Imagine how amazing it would be to just embrace the fact that we are all living life the very best we know how to, and that we can all, in the midst of all the craziness that comes with living, can be happy at the exact same time! I mean, c’mon! How incredibly awesome is it to realize that right at this moment, a billion other people are laughing, rejoicing, and loving just as deeply, and purely as you are. Doesn’t that give you goose bumps? Doesn’t it make you feel excited to know that we, who are in fact all one, are all capable of joy, and contentment, and love, and so much more, all at the very same time. And that the world as you know it will not implode just because you aren’t the sole person on earth to be happy?!

Well, heck, this makes me super happy, and I hope we can one day all share in this dance as one, with out begrudging the fact that we are all in it together.

OM SHANTI, SHANTI, SHANTI OM

Do Not Anticipate

By now, I think you have all heard me say time and time again, how much yoga has changed my life and how grateful I am for all that I have learned, and yet, the really beautiful thing about life and about yoga, is that we never stop learning, we never stop growing and we are never ever above change.

The last few weeks, I have been learning something new in my yoga practice and in my life in general. It began one morning as I moved through the primary series. This series and I have had a love hate relationship in the past, but today, I am head over heels, madly in love with my ashtanga practice, and I thank God every day for it.

But this particular morning, as I moved from pose to pose, I began to notice something. I wasn’t counting fully to five and then moving to the next pose, I was breathing and counting to 4, and when I knew that 5 was coming, I began to transition to the next asana. I tried to remedy it and continue, and just as I had made it to the floor for dandasana, I realized, I was thinking way ahead. I was in dandasana, my bandhas were engaged, and the breath and gaze were steady, but my mind was skipping ahead to the next couple of poses. I inhaled and lifted my chin up, and took a second before moving into the first forward fold and decided to change something. I was going to change my anxiety of the poses to come into presence of mind. The problem was, it was easier said than done.

When my practice ended, and I went on with the rest of my day, I decided to try to stay present and stop anticipating. So, the day started out great, and before you know it, a sharp pain on my toe indicated that I would be in need to go to the foot doctor; and all my intention of non-anticipation, went out the window.

Exactly a year ago, I had been forced to pay a visit to the foot doctor due to a hugely embarrassing, can’t believe it happened to me, ingrown toe-nail. (yes, you can go right ahead and think it, YUCK! And for those of you who have been, ahem, blessed enough to experience this your selves, yes, OUCH!)

So, subconsciously, I began to do exactly what I have been training my poor body to do in these circumstances, I panicked with the full on fear of anticipation.

My palms got sweaty, I entered a stage of denial and I ignored the poor toe for a few more days, sustaining, though knowing better, that this was only a mild infection, and it would heal if I kept soaking it and cleaning it every day. However, by the 4^th day, the true concern and reality of it all set in. I asked my dear mother and sister in-law about it, and they both said it might be time, then I asked one of my dearest yoga teachers, and she said much the same, so; I resigned my self to the fact that this was happening. No more hiding the truth little me, it was time to make a call.

And so I did. I called the doctor, and made an appointment, and began to panic internally because I knew what was going to happen, and I knew how much it was going to hurt, I was in full anticipation mode, and full story mode (you know, that place where you tell your self something is so just because you have perceived it to be so in the past; like thinking that just because you stubbed your toe on your mom’s end table once, it will keep happening if you so much as look at the darn thing; that story mode)

So, the day went by and I kept trying to breathe, and meditate and focus on my practice, but the second I stopped meditating, or ended my practice, the reality set in again, and I began to panic all over again.

The morning of the consult, I did some restorative to calm my nerves and headed over to the doctor’s office with my mom (I told you I knew what was coming, and heck, I wanted backup). As soon as the nurse took a look at my toe she had a look in her eye that said, “oh, you poor girl, here you go again” and my heart sank to the floor. Then the doctor came in, and with out even inspecting the toe in a detailed manner, announced, the nail is in-grown, it must come out. So, she sits down, and before she even touches my foot, I begin to get light headed. My body was frozen, my mind, and soul, trapped by a memory of the same doctor performing the same surgery on the same toe a freaking year ago! In my mind, the pain was already there, and so, when she finally began, all the memories of the pain, plus the actual pain of what was happening and what had happened seemed to meld together in a perfect symphony of real and fabricated pain that culminated with my embarrassing near fainting.

My mom was worried, the doctor had to help me lie down, the nurse gave me some water and put some cold compresses on my neck and forehead while studiously pointing out how pale I was, and then, it hit me. I had sabotaged myself in this moment, much the same way I had been sabotaging myself while practicing a few mornings back.

Except, instead of anticipating breaths and asanas, I was anticipating pain; so when what was happening in the moment happened, I had dragged a pre-conceived notion of what it was going to be like with me and made things a hundred times worse than they needed to be.

As the doctor sat there telling me I should never even think about having children because I probably will never be able to handle the pain (hey! Don’t anticipate on my behalf lady haha) I began to ponder (funny how after I started doing yoga these little cathartic moments and lessons are just so clear to me form time to time) and look back on certain things in my life, and I began to realize how adept I had become in the art of anticipation.

As a child, if I ever took a tumble, I would anticipate a repeat, and would therefore, be extra cautious, and, honestly a scardy cat about it, and most likely avoid that thing again (which is why it took me so long to learn how to ride a bike, and why I have not been rollerblading in years)

Then, I started to create stories in my head, and think them to be facts about life, so, some kids in school shunned me for being fat; but the second I drastically lose weight due to a triple case of salmonella (yup, not fun to come close to death either) I am queen of the school? So in my mind, I made up this story that therefore, being fat was evil, and I needed to find a way to remain thin forever; no matter the cost, lest I be shunned again. Also, due to the salmonella, I became quite scared of stomach related issues. I was in such a state of anticipation about the whole thing repeating again, that I thought a small case of whatever meant death; and so I was super terrified to ever get any kind of stomach problem. (I am over that now, but you get the idea)

A tragedy happened, and I would tell myself (subconsciously) to anticipate the same outcome every time should something similar even hint at happening again.

My heart was broken, and I decided all relationships would end badly; but was proven wrong thanks to the amazing love my husband has provided. Seriously, I anticipated things to be so terribly wrong in the end, that he had to fight for me for years before I became present to the fact that our love was solid and we were going to be ok.

[Think; can you see this happening in your life? Have you been through something and then kept anticipating the same exact result in an entirely different moment and/or time?]

So, the doctor finished and I went home feeling silly and decided to make it an even bigger point to become present and stop anticipating, both in life and in my practice.

So, the very next day, when I unrolled my mat and began my practice, I became aware of the anticipation, kindly patted it in the head, and pushed it aside, and remained present. I started with the little things, like fear that the toe would hurt if I did x, y or z; instead of fearing and anticipating this, I gently moved through the practice, and through each breath and pose moment to moment, if something hurt, I would adjust in that moment, not before. I would not think 3 or 4 poses ahead, but instead, took to holding certain poses longer than usual (like warrior 2 for about a minute and so on) and to not anticipating the exit of the pose but experience all the sensations that the pose brought forth, all of them, happy and comfy as well as intense and shaky.

And honestly, this little practice of cutting anticipation off before it becomes a full on panic attack, and the presence of mind that come with practicing and trying to live this way as much as possible have made a huge difference in my life.

It is always said to live moment to moment, and you can say this all day long, but until you can find a way to gently stop anticipating; the presence of the moment will elude you. You have to be able to let go of the past and future influences and open up one hundred percent to the present moment in order to love, live, and exist fully.

"You got to let go of the stuff from past - because it just doesn't matter! The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now." PO Kungfu panda 2

Delicious Portobello, Kale and Squash Blossoms Quesadilla

I love mushrooms, I adore Kale, and I have recently gotten very into squash blossoms, so, after a lovely afternoon swim, my belly was asking for a special kind of quesadilla; and it was not disappointed in the least! :) Hope you like it:

What you will need:

1 large Portobello

handful squash blossoms (in this case I used about a fist full of picked ones that I had around the house, ready to go, but id you want to use fresh ones, go for it)

4 leaves of lacinato kale, chopped

½ a cup of curly kale chopped

1 tbsp earth balance

House all purpose rub to taste (if you don’t have a pre-prepared rub, don’t fret, all it is is pepper, salt and garlic powder, super simple to make your own)

½ a cup of daiya cheddar cheese

½ a lime

1 or more corn tortillas

What to do:

Start by thoroughly cleaning your veggies and drying them off properly. Then chop the kale and mushroom (and even the squash blossoms if they are fresh).

In a medium size skillet, add the mushrooms and earth balance and cook for 5 to six minutes, or until the mushrooms look cooked. Then add the lacinato kale and the rub and cook for another 2 minutes, or until the leaves are a little soft. Then add the curly kale and cook for 3 minutes, or, once more until the leaves look soft and well cooked.

Next add the daiya cheese and let it melt.

Warm the tortillas up over the stove, turning them around occasionally in order to keep them from burning (it shouldn’t take more than a minute tops) {also, you can use a conventional oven if you would rather heat them up this way}

Pour contents of the skillet into a bowl and serve desired amount onto the tortilla.

Pair with a glass of cold coconut water, and I guarantee you will be in heaven.